When Survival Mode Takes Over: "Why Is She Always Angry?"

Yael and Yossi came to me feeling deeply stuck in their relationship. Every conversation had turned into a battle, and every word between them felt charged with danger. They could not understand why they were no longer able to communicate the way they once had.

"I feel like he doesn’t see me. Every time I bring something up, he’s busy defending himself or disconnecting," Yael said.

"I don’t understand why she’s always angry. I don’t know what more I can do to please her," Yossi responded.

When the Relationship Enters Survival Mode

"You have both entered survival mode," I told them. "You are triggering each other’s sympathetic nervous system. When the sympathetic system is activated, the body releases adrenaline and cortisol, the brain shifts into survival mode, and the parts responsible for thinking, language, and emotional regulation do not function properly."

"In that state, every conversation is experienced as a threat, and the natural reaction is freeze, flight, or fight."

"So what are we supposed to do in a situation like that?" Yossi asked.

"First of all, you need to recognize what is happening. When you feel the conversation turning into a struggle, pause for a moment and ask yourselves: Are we in survival mode right now?" I replied.

Not Every Withdrawal Is Indifference

"And what happens if he just disconnects? He just stands there, silent, not responding. Sometimes he even disappears into the garden to water it, leaving me alone with all this anger," Yael asked.

"The survival mechanism can show up in different ways. Yossi might attack back, or he might freeze and become unable to function. As you described, he may simply go silent or escape to the garden. Either way, in that moment he is trying to protect himself from what feels like a threat," I explained.

"Am I a threat?" she asked angrily.

Then, after calming down a little, she asked, "How can I not come across as threatening?"

Changing the Language of the Conversation

"Use first person language. Instead of saying to Yossi, ‘You always... you do this... and because of you...,’ you need to shift the focus to yourself. Say, ‘I feel... I experience... I am afraid...’ This way, you are speaking about your inner world, not attacking Yossi."

"But how will he understand me? How will he understand if I just say that I feel lonely?" Yael asked.

"You are right. It is not enough only to express what you feel. You also need to communicate what you need. What do you need from Yossi right now? Go ahead and try," I suggested.

"I feel lonely, and I need you to stay home with me today and not go play basketball with your friends," Yael said, turning to Yossi.

This Is Where Healing Begins

"Only now can the healing process begin. When there is no threat in the relationship system, and calm returns, healing becomes possible. At that point, the parasympathetic system becomes active. The body is at rest, and from that place it is possible to speak honestly, connect, and truly understand one another."

"This helps me understand where I went wrong all along. It is clear to me now why every conversation turned into a struggle, and why I felt like I had no partner in this relationship. I will try to speak about myself and not about Yossi," Yael said.

"This helped me a lot too. I understand better what she needs from me. She is not trying to blame or attack me. She is trying to tell me how she feels and what she needs," Yossi said.

Yael and Yossi began working together in a new way. They practiced these principles, and their connection improved remarkably.

They learned to identify when they were in survival mode, to stop and correct themselves, and to speak in first person language.

In this way, they were able to break the cycle of stagnation and begin building a relationship based on understanding, empathy, and healthier communication.

If you also find yourselves caught in recurring struggles and unable to speak heart to heart, it may be time to pause, learn to recognize what is happening, change the language, and ask clearly for what you need.

That is how you begin to step out of the soundproof room and build a relationship that is healthy, nurturing, and deeply connecting.

All details have been changed to protect privacy.

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor