When Survival Mode Takes Over: "Why Is She Always Angry?!"

Yael and Yossi came to me feeling very stuck in their relationship. Every conversation turned into a battle, and every word out of their mouths felt like a threat. They didn’t understand why they could no longer communicate like they used to.

"I feel like he doesn't see me. Every time I bring something up, he's busy defending himself or disconnecting," Yael said.

"I don't understand why she's always angry. I don't know what more I can do to please her," Yossi responded.

"You both have entered a survival mode," I addressed them. "You've triggered each other's sympathetic system. When the sympathetic system is activated, the body releases adrenaline and cortisol, the brain goes into survival mode, and all the parts responsible for thinking, language, and emotions don't function properly.

In such a state, every conversation is perceived as a threat, and the natural response is either freeze, flight, or fight."

"So what are we supposed to do in such a situation?" Yossi asked.

"First of all, recognize the situation. When you feel the conversation turning into a struggle, pause for a moment and ask yourselves: Are we in survival mode right now?" I replied.

"And what happens if he just disconnects? He just stands there, silent, not responding… sometimes even disappearing to the garden to water it, leaving me alone with all this anger?…" Yael asked.

"The survival mechanism can manifest in such a way that Yossi attacks you back, or he freezes in place and is unable to function. As you said, he simply goes silent or runs to the garden… Regardless, he must save himself from that threat," I explained to her.

"Am I a threat?" she asked angrily.

"Well, how can I not seem threatening?" she asked after calming down a bit.

"Use first-person language. Instead of saying to Yossi: 'You always... you do this... and because of you...,' you need to change that to talk about yourself. 'I feel... I experience... I am afraid...' This way, you're talking about yourself and not about Yossi."

"But how will he understand me? How will he understand if I just say that I feel lonely?" Yael asked.

"You're right; it's not enough just to express how you feel, but you also need to communicate your needs. What do you need from Yossi right now? Go ahead and try," I suggested.

"I feel lonely, and I need you to stay with me at home today and not go play basketball with your friends," Yael turned to Yossi.

"Only now can the healing process begin. When there's no threat in the relationship system, and there's calm, healing can occur. At that point, the parasympathetic system is active. The body is at rest, and one can speak honestly, connect, and understand each other."

"This helps me understand where I went wrong all along. It's clear to me why every conversation turned into a struggle, or why I felt I had no partner here in the relationship. I will try to speak about myself and not about Yossi," said Yael.

"This also helped me a lot to understand the place she needs me in. She doesn't want to blame and attack me; she simply tries to tell me how she feels and what she needs,"

Yossi said.

Yael and Yossi entered a state of collaborative work, began to practice these principles, and their connection improved remarkably.

They learned to identify when they were in survival mode, corrected themselves, and used first-person language.

This way, they managed to break the cycle of stagnation and began to build a relationship based on understanding, empathy, and effective communication.

If you also find yourselves in recurring struggles and are unable to communicate heart to heart, it may be time to pause, learn to recognize the situation, change the language, and ask clearly.

This way, you can exit the soundproof room and build a healthy, nurturing, and connecting relationship.

All details have been changed to protect privacy.

Hanna Dayan[email protected]

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