Sharing or Accusing: Why Your Feelings Come Out the Wrong Way

"After all, why is it called sharing if not to share my feelings with Idan?" Dina said.

"I think a lot and wait for the right moment, and by the time I share with him, it always comes out sounding like an accusation. Then Idan gets hurt and withdraws, and I get hurt back, creating a larger gap and distance, when all I wanted was closeness," she added.

"This is natural and understandable, Dina. No one taught us how to speak from the heart. We weren’t taught to cry without drowning in it or to share without attacking. Many times, we experience deep emotions but struggle to express them. They either get swallowed in silence or come out as accusations, turning the feeling, which should drive connection and closeness, into a barrier instead. But if we give that feeling space, it can be the beginning of healing."

"What am I supposed to do?" Dina asked.

Listening to Your Inner World

"There are several steps. The first step is to stop and listen inward: What am I feeling right now?"

"I find it really hard to identify," she replied.

"Even if you’re not clear, give it a moment. It might feel heavy, burdensome, or tiring."

"And what after that?" she asked curiously.

"I need to ask with curiosity and try to understand what triggered it. It doesn’t have to be something dramatic or monumental to activate that feeling. Sometimes it might be Idan's glance or a sentence he said that touched old pain, a wound from that little girl who felt unseen and unheard."

"And...?" she continued to inquire.

Allowing Yourself to Feel

"Then allow yourself to feel that pain in your body, without running away or trying to fix it. Try to identify where it is in your body. Where do you feel it?" I asked her.

"In my throat," she answered.

"Give it a moment, be with it, slowly."

After a few minutes of silence, I noticed a tear rolling down her cheek.

Turning Emotion Into Connection

"Then ask yourself: What do I need right now? Maybe a kind word. Maybe for Idan to sit beside you. Not a demand or criticism, just an invitation for closeness. Then simply ask. When it comes like this, from a place of brave vulnerability rather than blame, he can truly hear you. Not because he’s at fault, but because he really matters to you, and you matter to yourself."

Emotion is a significant part of serving Hashem, and it is not an obstacle but a gateway. The weaknesses, emotions, and everything passing through you are not mistakes but part of your spiritual journey. You are allowed to feel and cry, and it is important that you learn not to be frightened by it."

Simple Tools for Daily Life

"So how do I approach this in daily life? Give me tools," Dina said.

"Start each morning with the question: What am I feeling? Allow yourself to stop at least twice a day just to breathe and feel. You might keep an emotional journal and write at least one sentence a day. Most importantly, remember that you do not need someone to see you all the time. Sometimes all that is required is for you to see your own heart."

"I think the girl within me is starting to feel that someone sees her. Maybe that’s me?" she said with a smile.

All details have been changed for privacy reasons.

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor