From a Technical Relationship to Connection and Love: How to Navigate the Transition

A "technical" relationship signifies distance, and at times, even alienation. Becoming entrenched in the day-to-day tasks of life harms our deep connection, love, closeness, and emotional intimacy. Recently, I’ve received several inquiries all revolving around the same concern: "Our relationship has become technical, centered around managing the household and the kids." These questions are always written with pain and longing for something that is missing: "Where has the closeness gone? What happened to our love?"

We all desire warmth, love, care, and closeness, especially within our relationships.

The desire to marry stems first and foremost from a yearning for closeness, understanding, and an intimate and loving connection. When that’s absent – the essence is missing...

How to Create Change?

First and foremost, if the situation is as described, we must be aware of it. There’s no point in denying, ignoring, or pretending everything is fine. Something fundamental is absent, and what’s happening right now isn’t good.

There are many ways to rekindle love and emotional connection, but this is possible only on the foundation of understanding that emotion is essential. The peace between us, the sense of closeness and warmth – these are primary in building our home. It’s better to have a slightly less tidy house or to work fewer overtime hours, as long as we can find the time, openness, and willingness to invest in the most important thing – our emotional communication.

Once we genuinely want this and understand its significance, the paths to change are numerous and varied.

From notes and surprises, quality time for conversation and sharing, kind words, to even a couple’s getaway that brings us closer. Every couple knows (and if not, it’s time to reflect on this...) what methods spark their closeness and emotions.

It’s incredibly challenging to live under the impression that marriage operates solely on a technical level: doing what needs to be done, caring for children, managing the home, finances, food, and all matters, but without any real emotion or true emotional closeness. One can get accustomed to this state and do nothing to change it, simply managing a model household. There are no fights, everything is as it should be, but inside – there’s no emotion or closeness.

There seems to be nothing more painful than living "next to" a partner. To be seemingly together, yet feel so alone. It pains both partners, I have no doubt about that. However, the expression of that pain doesn’t always manifest in the same way. Some may choose to shout and be angry all the time; some may cry; others may retreat into themselves; and there are those who show indifference to the situation. Yet deep down, while feeling, each one may be experiencing the same difficulties or loneliness, and perhaps also vulnerability, anger, or disappointment.

"Home Peace" doesn’t merely mean managing a household "in peace"; it signifies an atmosphere of wholeness, connection, and closeness. If we identify that something is amiss, that distance is increasing, it’s worth taking a pause. To talk, clarify, and change. Even if the other person is closed off or withdrawing, let us be the ones to initiate that change, express it, and strive to open our hearts. Even if the distance between us has lasted for a long time – months or years – let’s start together to awaken the emotions.

Closeness fosters more closeness. Reconciliation leads to reconciliation. Let us invest in emotions, warmth, and kind words; allow ourselves time together; and try to see the good in each other.

And when we reach a deadlock – let’s seek professional help.

We all deserve to be happy! And, with Hashem’s help, if we want it and put in the effort, it’s entirely possible.

Avraham Shaharbaniis a couple and family counselor, addiction therapist, family lecturer, and a member of the Israeli Association for Couple and Family Counseling.