Who Did You Marry? Your Wife or Your Truth?

"It’s just a nightmare. I feel like he’s draining my soul. Until I tell him he’s right – he won’t leave me alone," Tzipi lamented.

"The most important thing to me in life is to stand by my truth to the end. I see how everyone lives in a lie today, and I’m not willing to accept that," Menachem responded.

"Menachem!!! Your truth is blocking your ability to see me and everyone in front of you! The most important thing to you in life is being right," Tzipi raised her voice at him.

"Tzipi, it’s easy for you. You had an easy childhood, you got everything a child needs and even more…". Then Menachem turned to me: "My dad left home when I was 12, and my mom was ill. I had to take care of my younger siblings; all the responsibility was on me. When they wanted to kick my brother out of school, I was the one who took care of him, and even today when my younger brother is in debt, I help him get out of it".

"It’s really unfair to take on such a burden at 12 and fight such tough existential battles that should belong to adults, not children. But it’s very important for you to notice who you’re fighting today," I replied to him.

"Our son," Tzipi said.

"I’m fighting for my truth," Menachem replied.

"Who are you married to, Menachem? To Tzipi or to your truth? What’s more important?" I asked.

"I have to be honest and say that’s a hard question. On one hand, Tzipi is very important to me, but on the other hand, I’m not willing to give up my truth," he answered.

"Let’s take a moment to look at this mechanism you developed, of the sense of justice and truth. Let’s try to understand how much the truth is actually the issue here."

"It seems to me the truth is more important to you than I am," Tzipi said with half offense and half anger.

"What’s important to Menachem is not the truth, but his battle," I replied to her.

"Why would I want war? That doesn’t sound logical to me at all," Menachem said.

"Let’s go back for a moment and look at your past. When you were a child, and experienced so much injustice, you were alone in the struggle, and the only way you had was to become a warrior for truth. It protected you from the hard life that was forced upon you. You’re an adult now, and the war is over; you don’t really have any enemies anymore."

"So why should I keep fighting?" Menachem asked.

"Because you’re used to it," I answered.

"What’s the problem with changing habits?" he asked.

"Every attempt you make to put down the weapon and the shield puts you in a sense of danger; you’re always on edge and ready for battle."

"But what does it protect me from? What do I gain from it today?" he asked.

"When you were a child and felt all the injustice in life, what did you actually feel?" I asked.

"I felt like it wasn’t fair," he answered.

"Right, but when you were treated so unfairly, what did that make you feel?" I pressed.

"That I’m not seen, that I lost my ground and sense of security; a painful feeling of losing control," he replied.

"All these battles you’re still fighting today are the same patterns from your childhood, where you’re trying to regain your sense of security and control, trying to gain recognition and appreciation."

"Why through war?" he asked.

"Because that’s what worked for you as a child, and you’ve kept that mechanism going until today. Through this war for justice, you feel valuable and seen.

"Now let’s check in reality if you’re gaining anything from that. When you’re fighting your justice wars against Tzipi, does Tzipi appreciate you more? Do you have more control over the situation?" I asked.

"No. The gains I believe I’ll get are imagined gains; it’s really an illusion. You could even say that the loss is much greater."

"Exactly, in the end, you could also lose Tzipi and your environment, and pay even greater prices. We need to learn together to allow something different and new to grow that will help you feel secure and valuable, alongside this old mechanism of the justice struggle.

"Tzipi and the kids are the most fertile and suitable ground for such a thing to grow."

All details have been changed to protect privacy.

Hannah Dayan[email protected]

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