"Don't Give Up on Your Pain! It Can Be a Tool for Healing"

"I’ve been cleaning the house for Passover for 3 days! I can hardly sleep because I’ve been waking up to the baby for almost two weeks straight, and Shimon comes and goes like a tourist," complained Tehila.

"That’s really frustrating, it feels like everything is falling on you," I said to her.

"Yeah. I’ve had so many talks, shouts, and fights trying to explain to him, and he just doesn’t understand. I’ve completely given up, and I feel like maybe it’s just better to give up. I feel like I want to schedule an appointment with him in the rabbinical court tomorrow morning," she replied in tears.

"But what did you feel that made you want to give up like that?" I asked.

"That he doesn’t see how much I’m suffering, how hard it is for me, and how alone I am, and he just goes on like everything is fine," she said.

"And what would ease your suffering?" I asked.

"If Shimon came to me and said: Do you need help? How are you feeling? How can I make it easier for you? I notice you haven’t slept for several nights, it must be really tough...," she responded.

"Excellent, it’s good that you know that. Now, let’s learn how to express this need correctly.

"The root of the woman’s pain is that she isn’t getting the fulfillment in the marital relationship that she longs for so much. You feel that you need Shimon to see you, and you’re not getting that, leaving you feeling incomplete and hurting. This leads to frustration, anger, and a constant feeling of bitterness within the relationship," I explained.

"And what about Shimon? Does he only feel pain if you break his leg?" asked Tehila.

"For Shimon, pain occurs when he can’t realize his desires, to influence them," I said.

"So? Why doesn’t he share this pain with me? Why does he leave me alone with it?" she questioned.

"Just as you’re disappointed in Shimon, he’s also disappointed in his ability to influence his desires on you, whether he feels something is wrong with him or with you. This leads to harsh conclusions about the future of the relationship and creates a despair that each one deals with differently," I explained.

"So what am I supposed to do? How can I change this?" she asked.

"The way for a woman to change is to navigate everything inward," I said.

"What does it mean to navigate inward?" she asked.

"Not to tell Shimon what you expect from him, what you demand, and to threaten him. All those movements are outward, not inward," I explained.

"So how will he know?" she questioned.

"You check inward, from that feeling of lack, from the pain you ask yourself: What do I long to feel? And instead of proving to yourself repeatedly through Shimon that you’ll never get that, ask yourself what will make it possible for you to feel it," I advised.

"But how will I feel valuable in this?" Tehila asked.

"Where is the value greater? In wanting Shimon to see you, or in him wanting to see you from within himself?" I inquired.

"That he wants to see me, obviously," she said.

"That’s your longing. The longing reminds you that Shimon indeed wants that, allowing you to put that desire down without giving up on it truly," I clarified.

"But how long will I continue to feel this pain?" Tehila asked, feeling hopeless.

"We came into this world to undergo a journey of healing. When we encounter pain, we need to be grateful for it, because it’s a part of significant signaling systems of the body and soul. When the pain continues, it signals to us that we are not emotionally positioned correctly towards the situation, and are not grasping the truth. Pain is like a radar that helps us to detect what is true and what is not.

"The thoughts you think that you aren’t seen, won’t happen, or are meaningless – those are painful thoughts that constrict you, because they’re not true. You need to ground them, allow them to dissolve within you, and go through a healing process. Agree to feel the pain that arises, simply be with yourself fully present, and gradually the pain will pass."

All details have been changed for privacy reasons.

Chana Dayan [email protected]

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