I Just Need You to See Me: The Hidden Cry in Many Relationships

“I’ve been cleaning the house for Passover for three days,” Tehila said in frustration. “I can barely sleep because the baby has been waking me up for almost two weeks straight, and Shimon comes and goes like a tourist.”

“That sounds extremely exhausting,” I replied. “It must feel like everything is falling on your shoulders.”

“Yes,” she said. “I’ve tried everything. I’ve talked, shouted, argued, and explained again and again, but he just doesn’t understand. I feel like I’ve completely given up. Sometimes I think it might be easier to simply give up on the whole relationship. I even feel like calling the rabbinical court tomorrow morning.”

Tears filled her eyes.

The Pain of Feeling Alone

“What made you reach the point of wanting to give up?” I asked gently.

“That he doesn’t see how much I’m suffering,” she answered. “He doesn’t see how hard it is for me or how alone I feel. He just continues as if everything is fine.”

“And what would help ease that pain?” I asked.

“If Shimon came to me and said, ‘Do you need help? How are you feeling? What can I do to make things easier for you? I see that you haven’t slept for several nights. That must be really difficult.’ That would already help.”

“It’s very important that you know what you are longing for,” I said. “Now we need to learn how to express that need in the right way.”

Understanding the Source of the Pain

“The root of your pain,” I explained, “is that you are not receiving the emotional response you deeply long for in the relationship. You want Shimon to see you and recognize your struggle. When that does not happen, it leaves you feeling incomplete and deeply hurt.”

“That pain often turns into frustration, anger, and a growing sense of bitterness within the relationship.”

“So what about Shimon?” Tehila asked. “Does he only feel pain if something physically hurts him?”

“For Shimon, pain usually appears when he feels unable to influence the situation or express what he wants,” I explained.

“So why doesn’t he tell me that?” she asked. “Why does he leave me alone with all of this?”

“Just as you feel disappointed in Shimon, he may also feel disappointed in his ability to influence you or the situation. Sometimes he may even feel that something is wrong with him or with the relationship. These feelings can lead to discouraging thoughts about the future, and each person deals with that despair in a different way.”

Turning the Focus Inward

“So what am I supposed to do?” Tehila asked. “How can I change anything?”

“The change begins by turning inward,” I answered.

“What does that mean?”

“It means not focusing only on telling Shimon what he should do, what you expect from him, or threatening consequences. Those reactions move outward rather than inward.”

“So how will he know what I need?” she asked.

“You begin by examining your inner feeling of lack. From that place of pain, ask yourself what you truly long to feel. Instead of repeatedly proving to yourself through Shimon that you will never receive it, ask yourself what could allow you to experience that feeling within.”

Longing Without Losing Hope

“But how will that make me feel valued?” Tehila asked.

“Where is the greater value,” I asked, “in forcing Shimon to see you, or in him wanting to see you on his own?”

“Of course it would be better if he wanted it himself,” she answered.

“That desire you have reminds you that such a connection is possible. It allows you to hold onto your longing without turning it into despair.”

“But how long will this pain last?” she asked quietly.

Pain as a Signal for Growth

“We come into this world on a journey of healing,” I explained. “Pain is not meaningless. It is one of the most powerful signals of the body and the soul. When pain continues, it tells us that something in our emotional perspective may not yet be aligned with the truth.”

“Pain acts like a radar that helps us recognize what is real and what is not.”

“The thoughts that tell you that you are unseen, unimportant, or that nothing will ever change are painful thoughts. They constrict you because they are not necessarily the truth.”

“Instead of fighting them, allow them to soften within you. Be present with the feelings that arise. When we are willing to feel the pain fully and honestly, it often begins to dissolve and make space for healing.”

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor