Transforming Conflict: The Power of Asking Instead of Blaming

Are you familiar with that style of dialogue where each person blames the other, ultimately leaving both partners frustrated and upset?

One characteristic of such discussions is the use of "why" questions. "Why do you never... ?"; "Why are you always...?"; "Why is the laundry still not put away?"; "Why didn’t you do...?" – why, why, why.

While some of you may argue that "why" questions express simple interest, it’s apparent that beneath the guise of "interest" lies criticism and blame. For example, when I ask, "Why didn’t you take out the trash?" I am essentially blaming you for not having done it.

And what does blame do to us? How do we respond when we are criticized or blamed?

Most people instinctively feel the need to defend themselves or retaliate. If we choose a way of defending without attacking, our response might be withdrawal, distancing ourselves, or feeling unappreciated by our partner. Another possible reaction could be a counterattack – returning blame. "I don’t take out the trash? Look at yourself! You don’t even take the bag out of the bin!"

Repeated accusations, along with feelings of distance and withdrawal, certainly won’t lead to the improvements or changes we hope for; they may only create conflict and intensify mutual accusations.

Can we communicate differently? Is it possible to express frustration or disappointment without making the other feel defensive and retaliatory? How can we explain our needs without assigning blame or causing discomfort?

Surprisingly, there is a much simpler, more positive, and effective way to create change and improve the situation: ask! And don’t blame.

Instead of saying, for example, "Why don’t you put anything back in its place?!", try asking: "My dear, I would really appreciate it if you could put this back when you’re finished with it"; instead of accusing and complaining: "You never pay attention to me when I come home!", it’s better to phrase a pleasant request: "I would greatly appreciate it if, when I come home, you could take a moment to pay attention to me".

This approach of asking instead of blaming can work wonders in our relationship. It doesn’t provoke resistance and usually succeeds in increasing the willingness to fulfill the request and do something nice for one’s partner.

Of course, it’s not easy to change habits – if we have gotten used to blaming, complaining, and grumbling, it’s tough to suddenly talk differently and ask, to express my needs politely and respectfully. But we should not shy away from the challenges of change...

Change requires determination and motivation.

Try together, over the next month, to convert any desire to complain or blame into a phrasing of a request. "I would be very happy if..."; "I would appreciate it if..." – a formulation that gives space to the other, shows respect, and yet expresses our needs. Requesting formulation allows the other person to understand us without feeling attacked, and in such a situation, the chances are greater that we will indeed see the desired change.

Good luck!

Avraham Shaharvaniis a couples and family counselor, an addiction therapist, a lecturer in the family field, and a member of the Israeli Association for Couples and Family Counseling.