"Feeling Alone Together": Healing Years of Silence in Relationships

Daniella entered the room with a lot of force and determination, but it was clear from her eyes that chaos was happening inside her.

Itzik sat down after her, quiet and hesitant, looking rather relaxed, or perhaps just switched off.

"He doesn't talk!" Daniella said emphatically. "I have to extract every word from him with pliers, I feel like I’m alone in our lives. I'm a mom, a wife, an employee, a freelancer, an Amazon delivery person, and an emotional diagnostician in my spare time, and him? He’s just not here."

I turned my gaze to him and he tried to smile at me. "What do I have to say? She always knows how I feel, right?" Itzik responded.

"That's how he always does it, instead of talking, he throws out some cynical remark and stays silent for another two hours," Daniella replied, tense as a spring, until she could no longer hold the tension and broke down. "I’m alone even when you’re right here beside me," she whispered sadly.

I felt how tired Daniella was of leading the relationship.

"Daniella, since when did you start understanding emotions so well?" I asked.

"Since I can remember, I’ve always noticed when my mom was sad, I could read between the lines," Daniella answered with a slight chuckle.

"What have you learned about yourself from this?" I asked her.

"That my love is valuable when I understand others," she replied.

"You learned to understand everyone, even when no one asked or demanded it, even when you didn’t receive understanding back. It became a sort of condition for your existence. The problem is that you are already exhausted from this; you want someone to see you as someone who is simply allowed to be herself, without roles."

Daniella began to cry and I turned to Itzik.

"Itzik, when you are silent, what happens inside you?" I asked.

"I’m silent because every word that comes out of my mouth becomes something destructive and dangerous. If I say what I really think – she will get angry, get hurt, or interpret it incorrectly. So I’d rather stay silent," he replied.

"And yet, if you could be yourself without fearing her reactions, what would you tell her?" I asked.

"That I feel small next to her. That she is amazing, hard-working, and strong, and I feel that no matter what I do – it’s not enough for her, and that makes me stop trying," he answered.

I look at them. Two people living together and each holding a completely opposite perception of the same story.

Daniella feels he’s not trying, and Itzik feels she doesn’t really need him.

At this breaking point, healing begins to happen.

This is the point where it’s possible to start unraveling the story they have sewn for themselves over the years.

"Daniella, your deepest place is meant to create a connection, and it has become a place of control. It's time to let go and give Itzik space to make mistakes and respond, even if it’s not exactly on time or in the words you need," I said to Daniella.

"Itzik, you don’t have to be 'big' next to her, but to be present. Stop looking for approvals, and agree to bring yourself even if it’s not perfect. Because when you are silent, you disappear. When you disappear – you don’t give her a chance to truly choose you."

"Can you give us practical tools? So we can start practicing this already?" Itzik asked.

"You can start with small, daily exercises.

"Exercise 1: 3 minutes a day, with no distractions, each one speaks while the other just listens, without solutions or comments.

"Exercise 2: One sharing a day – not about what happened, but about what I felt.

"Exercise 3: Daily question – what did you need from me today that you didn’t get?

"Allocate time to practice this daily, and it will start working. All that’s needed to change your story is not another explanation, but one moment of truth, where each one is ready to remove their disguise and lower their armor. Just say: 'This is me. Not perfect, but here.'

"Relationships are not built from great moments but from the small, daily choices where I’m willing to be there. To be there even when it’s scary, uncomfortable, and painful. To be together."

All details have been changed to protect privacy.

Hanna Dayan [email protected]

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