Rediscovering My Natural Spontaneity

Dear Henia,

I thoroughly enjoyed your analysis from both a moral and psychological perspective, and I am reaching out to share my issue in hopes that you can provide some insights.

In general, I am well-liked socially; however, when attending social gatherings, I often leave feeling dissatisfied. I frequently find myself expressing something I later regret (a personal detail I didn't want to share, or something true but hurtful to others). Other times, it's the opposite – I feel as though I haven't said what I wanted to say until I've given it further thought at home.

For instance, a friend or sister-in-law might remark about me, and I'll analyze it mentally: was it a criticism? Should I respond and clarify her mistake? Perhaps there's some truth I should acknowledge? Meanwhile, as I contemplate, I might either not respond or give a generic answer. By the time I figure out what I want to express, the moment has passed, leaving me frustrated.

If I decide to be spontaneous and say what's on my mind at the moment, I later regret my words. Why did I allow myself to get drawn into a debate when I could have realized after the first sentence that the other person was right? Conversely, when I think things over, I end up with unspoken words and growing frustration.

What's happening to me? Am I too slow in my thinking, or does this happen to everyone? What do you advise I do?

Sincerely, Penina.

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Dear Penina,

Penina, I believe you're describing feelings that many of us experience to varying degrees, though it seems these feelings are quite intense and frequent for you, leaving you frustrated and dissatisfied in social encounters. Your dissatisfaction arises both when you do react, as you feel you haven't clearly expressed yourself and may regret your words, and when you withhold a response to deliberate, only to miss the appropriate time to speak. This leads to a cycle of personal disappointment, frustration, and feelings of helplessness. When these feelings repeatedly occur, it severely affects one's ability to engage socially, fuelling a desire to withdraw. It's unfortunate because human interaction is vital.

You describe yourself as 'fairly accepted in society,' which suggests that you are a social being who needs these connections, even if your attempts sometimes lead to frustration. How do you break free from this cycle?

This isn't about slow thinking; not at all! The root of this issue seems to stem from your reliance on external validation: how others see you, what impression your words make, how others evaluate you. When preoccupied with these thoughts, there's little room to express your genuine self. Perhaps you think your opinions aren't important enough or won't be taken seriously? Or maybe you're trying to please others for approval? These are signs of low self-esteem. In such a state, we're heavily dependent on others' assessments of us, causing us to be more cautious about expressing our true thoughts. This results in the exhausting attempt to make a good impression, drawing energy away from discovering and expressing our actual beliefs, which is what encompasses true spontaneity.

What you're experiencing isn't spontaneity but impulsiveness: reacting 'from the gut' without self-restraint, potentially leading to unwanted arguments and regrets.

The core issue appears to be the pressure from trying to say the right thing constantly. In human interactions, we thrive when we let conversations flow naturally rather than meticulously planning every word. Instead of focusing intensely on our words, we should listen to others: understand their words, sentiments, and intentions. This genuine engagement nurtures appreciation from others – not as a goal, but as a natural outcome. We then forge true connections and relationships.

To achieve this, feeling relaxed and not self-centered is essential. With a fundamental sense of self-acceptance, you'll be comfortable responding authentically at the right moment. Consider practicing these two points: 1. Accept yourself more and be kind to yourself. 2. Balance your focus in social settings towards understanding others more than self-awareness.

Find comfort in affirming to yourself: 'I'm okay, capable, social, and enjoy others' company, irrespective of others' judgments.' While appreciation is pleasant, it's not necessary. Express what you wish, from the heart, because that's your truth. This approach alleviates anxiety, freeing you to truly listen and connect, forming real bonds. In relaxed states, we relate deeply, fostering spontaneity in emotions – an inner flow that allows authentic self-expression.

This release enables natural, genuine reactions: laughing, crying, employing humor, sensing and sharing emotions, expressing warmth and love. It provides the agency to evaluate and halt any undesirable words, ensuring success!

Henia Luberbaum is a clinical social worker and manager at Magen