Who Are Your Kids Hanging Out With? Uncover the Secret to Healthy Friendships

How carefully do you investigate before buying a property?

Yehuda was preoccupied with a new deal his son was involved in. "I don't know what he's buying. Such a young kollel student taking on debts, mortgaging the apartment, and investing in an unknown asset abroad. What if it fails? Who will rescue him? I have nothing left to offer." Yehuda had just married off his eldest son. He didn't recall being so daring in his youth as kids are today. He poured out his worries to his daily study partner. "I'm worried about a different deal my daughter is making," said Tzvika. His daughter, only thirteen! "A new girl joined her class, and my daughter is befriending her. I don't like it, and I don't even know why. It's not that she's from a bad family, but I'm noticing my daughter withdrawing, losing her confidence and zest for life."

"Acquire a friend," a friendship is an asset worth investing in. It's crucial to check whom our kids are friends with, as these friendships deeply impact their inner world, especially during adolescence. In this article, we'll look at parents' roles in overseeing their children's friendships, why it matters, and how to monitor these relationships.

Individually Fine, But Not Together

Friendship is supposed to be a wonderful and sweet experience, right? So why does Shlomo's mom feel that his new friendship with Eric is a disaster?

Eric was a good kid, not the type to worry about straight away. He was positive and well-behaved, from a reputable family. But his friendship with Shlomo wasn't healthy. Shlomo himself was a great kid, and so was Eric, but together? It wasn't working. When Shlomo's mother first spoke to the teacher, he didn't understand. "Eric is a great kid, what's the problem?" But after hearing examples, the teacher understood. The child was being influenced negatively. Shlomo lost his self-opinion and joy. Eric's personality was too overpowering. With Eric around, Shlomo was always trying to please instead of being himself. It's a shame. On the outside, it seemed like Eric was elevating Shlomo and bringing him to the social forefront, but this environment wasn't right for him. Shlomo, a gentle soul, didn't belong in the center of a lively and frantic social circle. He needed to return to a quieter, more comfortable space where he could think at his own pace and style. Lately, he felt threatened; everything had to be thought out loud, quickly and together with Eric. It wasn't suitable for him. Morning studies weren't enjoyable; it was only causing stress. A class operation turned tempestuous and publicized. This wasn't his nature.

Shlomo's mother insisted on separating the two friends. Eric’s mom was upset. "Finally, he found a gentle friend who really likes him." But Shlomo's mom knew it wasn’t good for her son. He needed to return to being the calm child he was, and losing joy for this friendship wasn't worth it.

Acquire a Friend

Friendship comes with a price, which is where its strength lies. It leaves an imprint on the soul, influences personality, and causes internal changes. They don’t just walk together or talk, they affect each other’s personalities constantly. Especially during adolescence, when social ties become particularly significant, these connections and their influence deepen. Wise parents keep both eyes open, monitoring budding friendships - one of the most meaningful sources of influence on their children and their tender souls. A good friendship can enhance and empower, while an unhealthy one can, unfortunately, destroy and harm.

How do you monitor a healthy friendship?

Many parents feel lost in this area. They're afraid they might miss warning signs of a negative friendship. However, the reality is, alert parents can often spot red flags even more effectively than educators. Attentive parents might save their children’s spiritual and emotional world if they identify distress signals from new friendships early on.

Tips for Parents Monitoring Their Children's Friendships

1. Hashem made man upright. Usually, a good friendship brings positivity. Positivity brings joy. Watch your child closely: Is he or she genuinely happy? Since being friends with this person, is there more genuine, internal joy? This refers to true and internal happiness, not just superficial, energetic zest that might mask distress. Not necessarily a lot of social activity that could be a symptom of pressure, not relaxation. Simple joy radiates tranquility and contentment. If your child is stressed, restless, or anxious, the friendship might be harmful. It doesn't mean the friend is negative – maybe it's just their combination. But if your child walks around with eyes not sparkling with joy and behaves restlessly, these are warning signs.

2. Excessive whispering is a bad sign. If your child often hides and confines with a new friend, consider it a red flag. Good, positive friendships don’t usually require excessive privacy. Teens might have deep conversations occasionally, but they shouldn't be frequent or under tense and pressured atmospheres. If they panic when the door opens or someone passes by, it’s worth worrying about what's happening. Too-secretive conversations typically aren't a good sign. Be cautious. Sometimes they indicate undesirable topics and a negative bond that should be stopped early.

3. The home... the home... sounds harsh? The home is the origin of your child's friend. The foundation they've grown up on. Pay attention to which home your child's friend comes from. Most apples don’t fall far from the tree, and your child will also find themselves drinking from this stream. Does this home suit you? Does it meet your expectations? Align with your principles? Assess this before the friendship strengthens because of what’s written in the next point.

4. As friendships tighten, they become harder to halt, not necessarily because they’re good. Sometimes, a friendship that burdens or stresses the child makes them fear breaking it up. A child in a pressured friendship loses self-confidence and naturally fears a breakup, worrying it might leave them vulnerable and exposed – and then what would they have left, what would they be worth? Children who want to end a friendship need strength to do so. Sometimes they want to but can’t. Sometimes they try but don’t dare. They need strength to stop things early, to prevent frustration from growing into something deeper. Cutting ties early on makes it easier when they’re still gentle and less defined.

5. Extreme behavioral change – not only does a negative friendship cause extreme behavioral changes, but whenever encountering such a change, it’s crucial to follow up to ensure proper understanding. If your child changes from their usual behavior and adopts new habits, these may come from negative social pressure.

Signs of distress include lack of appetite, insomnia, excessive concern with appearance, and increased focus on studies. If these were not previously part of your child’s routine, they could indicate distress caused by a friendship or another reason. Don’t ignore that feeling that something has changed in your child. Investigate the matter, seeking professional help if needed, to pinpoint the cause of the change.

Just a Matter of Time

Pressure from a new friendship might also signal a healthy and correct process. Don’t panic over temporary stress. Kids form connections and invest in friendships, as stated in *Pirkei Avot*, bringing effort and energy to it. It’s akin to acquiring a property. Even a successful and lucrative property requires effort in acquisition. So if your child seems invested in nurturing a friendship, even stressing over it, give them a chance. This might be part of a natural process. Moderate pressure is still within normal, healthy boundaries. Your child learns to invest, examines themselves, reflects on the emerging relationship, and ultimately grows. Keep monitoring them closely yet from a distance. But not all pressure signifies a negative thing.

Familiar with those moments before a friend arrives at the house? Oh, sometimes it's pure chaos. The whole house gets swept into a frenzy of nervousness. That’s what's happening with Yaeli, and her mother struggles to understand it.

As if possessed by a whirlwind, Yaeli rushes around the house, tidying every corner like mess is an imminent danger. She folds laundry with surprising speed, stuffing it into closets with abnormal haste. Every moment she glances urgently at the clock. What will happen? Every moment someone else throws something on the floor. She lashes out at Shuki for tossing his bag, as if he committed an outrageous act she would never contemplate. Her eyes dart frantically over a few crumbs on the floor as if they were aggressive germs. What’s going on here? I can’t do this anymore.

Yaeli was never one to care about tidiness so much until she befriended Yonit.

Since hanging out with Yonit, cleanliness and order have become top priorities. Inviting Yonit over when the house isn't impeccable seemed impossible.

Tova, Yaeli's mom, couldn’t endure the pressure anymore. Initially, it seemed nice: her eldest child helping without being asked, organizing, cleaning, decorating. Everything done quickly and efficiently like she never imagined.

But as it continued, it became annoying but bearable: giving orders, impatient, disrupting priorities. Not allowing the younger kids to enjoy their beloved toys, restricting activity.

But then it crossed into frustration. While her eyes gleamed when Yonit visited, now it doesn't seem to be about joy or fun, just stress. After monumental efforts in organizing the house, Karen's regime on new household orders strikes (No LEGO: spreads everywhere. No plasticine: smears. No paints, ever: stains!) after all these, Yonit arrives and is ushered into the closed room. Studies there. If Yossi needs a shoe (stashed in organization excitement) or Tzvika wants a book he was reading – forbidden entry.

Fights rage to the skies. Young kids are angry, offended, trying hard to enter rooms. Exhaustion ensues. "I can't have friends over," whined Yaeli. "No one gets me..." cried in confused teenage tears.

Once, Tova tried entering, seeing Yaeli's panicked eyes. She opened a closet, finding chaos inside with things hastily stuffed to host a friend. Yaeli couldn’t breathe there steadily. Fearing Yonit overly.

What would Yonit do if she saw a mess? Abandon her? What causes a fresh teenager to fear so deeply? Can’t accept Yonit’s cleaner house?

This is proof the friendship is stressful.

Yonit worries Yaeli. Just thirteen, yet complicating their lives.

Tova felt helpless and clueless. What to do? Is there harm in this mesmerizing friendship?

This insight became clear. The meetups weren’t enjoyable or pleasant anymore. Tied to stress, worry, and burden.

One evening, Tova went shopping. A woman resembling Yonit approached her. "Hello, Yaeli’s mother," she began kindly, "I’m thrilled about our daughters' new friendship," just like that! Tova's mom was entirely embarrassed. Should she share her turbulent thoughts?

"The beginning of a friendship at this age is a hellish saga," suddenly quipped Yonit’s mom, making Tova ponder: How does she know? But she knows.

Almost feeling like reading Tova’s forehead, she replied to the unasked question: "Yonit is my third daughter. I’m well-acquainted with this saga from experience. You must be exhausted, perhaps even scared. But that’s the age. Wait a few weeks, and it will calm down."

"Yonit's also stressed? Cautious? Tidying the room? Warns the family?"

"Yes, Yonit too. We respect it, knowing it passes. Remember how we were at that age?"

Tova pondered the message. The last sentiment hit her hard. What was she like at that vibrant, tumultuous age?

Images began flooding her mind, begging entry. How she was embarrassed by her father's occupation, blushing when siblings argued loudly, overheard by friends. Dressing up for events with new classmates at the seminary. There were overwhelming days, worries, and pressures.

And so they tempered us, strengthened us, we overcame it.

Three weeks passed (a bit longer than predicted by Yonit’s mom), yet it really ended. From a stressful, frightful, complicated bond, the friendship found its way. Suddenly, the relationship was beautiful and enjoyable. When Yonit’s mom fell ill, the younger siblings spent the evening there, sharing a meal. Suddenly there was no frantic preparation. Everything calmed.

Tova learned to understand this turbulent adolescent stage. The transient storms, needing close monitoring, but also a pinch of tolerance. Never dismiss hardships or distress, but graciously account for adolescent storms that sometimes pass swiftly. Before sighing too much.