Why We Get Angry: A Jewish Perspective on Anger and Faith

The psychology of anger generally follows a familiar pattern. If someone does something that does not match our expectations or desires, the evil inclination together with our imagination begins to work. Our thoughts convince us that if the other person had behaved differently, everything would have turned out well.

Because of this belief, we conclude that the person who acted incorrectly is responsible for everything that happened. As a result, we become angry.

For example, when a child breaks a glass, we immediately think that the child is responsible for the missing glass, the mess on the floor, and for the effort now required to clean it up. If this is not the first time the child has broken something, the anger grows even stronger, especially if we warned the child beforehand not to touch the glass. The frustration becomes even greater if the glass was full and the entire kitchen must now be cleaned.

In truth, the broken glass itself is not what creates the anger. What fuels the anger is the inconvenience and the extra work we now face, together with the mistaken assumption that this situation should never have happened to us.

When Someone Else Causes the Problem

A similar reaction occurs when another driver hits our car. We immediately assume that the other driver is to blame. Even if the driver apologizes and promises to pay for the damage, we may still feel irritated.

We think about everything that has now been disrupted. We may be late for work, we must take the car to the garage, contact insurance agents, and manage without a vehicle for several days. In our frustration we might ask, “Why couldn’t this person pay attention? Why do I have to suffer because of their carelessness?”

At this point, it is worth pausing for a moment and asking a deeper question.

A Test of Faith

If we reflect honestly, we must ask ourselves: is God connected in any way to what just happened?

Did the broken glass or the car accident occur purely by chance? Or is it possible that these events were part of a precise heavenly calculation?

Jewish faith teaches that nothing happens without divine supervision. The child who broke the glass and the driver who hit the car may have been the visible agents, but the ultimate orchestration belongs to God.

Every detail of the event was determined above: how the glass would fall, where each fragment would land, how strong the collision would be, and how the situation would unfold afterward. The people involved may have acted through their own choices, but whether their actions would succeed and how much impact they would have depends on a larger spiritual accounting.

Responding Without Anger

Understanding this does not mean that we should never respond when someone harms us. The real question is not whether to respond, but how to respond.

After an incident occurs, God watches how we react. When the child breaks a glass, will we shout at him simply to release our frustration, or will we turn the moment into a calm and constructive lesson?

When another driver causes damage, will we respond with insults and anger, or will we address the situation responsibly and seek a fair resolution?

We are expected to react, but to do so thoughtfully rather than angrily.

Free Will and Divine Providence

If everything is part of God’s plan, where does human free will fit in?

The answer lies in the distinction between the event and the person’s choice. If a certain loss or inconvenience was destined to occur, it might happen in different ways. One person may choose to act responsibly and avoid harming others, while another may behave carelessly and become the instrument through which the event occurs.

In this sense, heaven arranges circumstances according to a principle taught by the sages: merit is brought about through the worthy, and liability through those who are liable.

Sometimes the person who causes harm is also being judged for their own actions. In other situations, the event serves as a test rather than a punishment.

Humiliation as a Form of Spiritual Cleansing

When someone insults or embarrasses us, our first instinct is to react with anger. Yet Jewish teachings suggest a very different perspective.

Embarrassment and humiliation can serve as a form of spiritual cleansing, removing the burden of past mistakes. Instead of responding with anger, a person can view such experiences as opportunities for growth.

Receiving temporary emotional discomfort may be far better than experiencing physical suffering. Physical injuries often require long and painful healing, while emotional pain can sometimes be resolved much more quickly, depending on how we choose to interpret it.

If a person is insulted but chooses not to take offense, the spiritual benefit of the experience still remains.

The Strength of Those Who Remain Silent

The Talmud praises those who hear insults but do not respond in anger. Such individuals demonstrate remarkable strength of character.

There are several levels of self-control. One person may respond calmly without insulting the other. A greater level is achieved by someone who remains silent entirely. Silence often ends an argument quickly, because conflict usually requires two participants.

The highest level is reached by those who accept such experiences with love and patience, understanding that even painful moments can ultimately serve their spiritual good.

Learning From King David

A powerful example appears in the life of King David. While fleeing from his rebellious son Avshalom, David encountered Shimei ben Gera, who publicly insulted and cursed him. Shimei even threw stones at David and his followers.

David’s loyal companion Avishai wanted permission to silence the offender immediately. Yet David refused. Instead, he said that perhaps this humiliation had been allowed by God for a reason.

Despite the insults and the stones, David chose restraint. Through his humility and faith, he transformed a painful moment into a demonstration of extraordinary spiritual strength.

Choosing a Different Response

Anger often feels justified because we assume that others are responsible for our suffering. But faith offers a different perspective. Events that appear random may actually be part of a deeper spiritual process.

When we pause before reacting, we gain the ability to respond wisely instead of emotionally.

By replacing anger with reflection, patience, and faith, even difficult moments can become opportunities for growth, humility, and spiritual refinement.