Finding Balance in Love: A Journey to Self-Discovery

"I feel that the closer I get to her, the more I lose a part of myself. It's like if I really commit to this relationship, there will be nothing left of me," Nadav said.

"I feel exactly the opposite. Every time he retreats into himself, he forgets there’s someone else here. I don’t want to cling to him; I just want to know he’s present," Yifat responded.

"It’s amazing how both of you are expressing the same pain, just in different languages. Many couples find themselves at this crossroads, where one person's needs sound like a threat to the other. Nadav, you need peace and space to feel like yourself, while you, Yifat, need emotional presence to feel a connection. But what if you try to think of your needs not as conflicting but as complementary?" I asked.

They fell silent, and then Yifat asked, "But how can that be complementary if every time he disappears, I feel abandoned?".

"Great question. Let’s start by reframing it from ‘disappearance’ to ‘a different way for him to recharge’. As long as he is attentive to you and comes back with renewed energy, there’s no contradiction here."

"But I feel like I constantly have to justify myself and seek validation, like I don’t have a right just to be," Nadav replied.

"You don’t need to justify yourself; you need to share," I answered him.

"What do you mean by that?" Nadav asked.

"You might say: 'I need half an hour to myself when I come home from work, then I’m all yours.'"

"Would that help you?" Nadav asked Yifat.

"Absolutely. If you could simply share when you’ll be back, it would really help me feel less like I’m waiting in limbo."

"Today’s culture glorifies separation and individuality. Not that I think those aren’t important—without them, a relationship can become a swirling vortex. But if each person only maintains their own boundaries, there’s no touch, and no real movement happens in the relationship. Partnership isn’t about two people living side by side; it has to be a dynamic where each person brings themselves fully into it."

"So, are you saying that a relationship is about compromise? Each person has to give up something?" Nadav questioned.

"Not at all. It’s a choice! When you choose to be present, even if that means giving up your personal desires, you’re not negating yourself; you’re realizing yourself within the relationship. That’s the difference between sharing in a relationship and true partnership."

"So, what you’re saying is that we need to learn to identify when my need is a need for the relationship and not just a private need of my own?" Yifat asked.

"Exactly. If you’ve had a tough day and you need to vent and share with Nadav, that's not just a private need; it’s a need for the relationship. You’re seeking closeness, partnership, and connection. When you, Nadav, take distance, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re escaping, but when you don’t return, it feels like abandonment."

"So, what are we supposed to do in practice? In everyday life?" Nadav asked.

"You can start with basic coordination. Set a regular time each day for a couple’s check-in, even if it’s just 10 minutes. Mark on your calendars: when am I giving myself space to recharge for my presence in the relationship, and when am I fully present in the relationship? Set it in advance, and then you won’t fight over it every time."

"That’s the difference between being reactive and being intentional. When needs are clear and boundaries are defined, the heart can also settle down."

At the end of the session, before they left, I stopped them and said: "One more thing: Don’t give up on hobbies, personal space, or independence—but don’t see this as something separate from your relationship. Your identity should be built within the partnership, not alongside it. When you bring your complete selves into the relationship, it becomes a nurturing and growing space instead of one of loss or erasure."

Finally, Nadav smiled for the first time and said, "I thought that giving up my time meant losing out. Now I realize that by choosing you, I'm not losing myself; I'm rediscovering who I am."

"And when you rediscover yourself, I have someone to meet," Yifat smiled back at him.

All details have been changed to protect privacy.

Hanna Dayan [email protected]

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