When You Become His Mom: Understanding the Breakdown of Couple Dynamics

"It happened again yesterday," Yifat opened the conversation. "I talk, I initiate, I ask, I demand – and he… is silent, disappears, nothing…".

"I’m not disappearing, I’m just trying not to make the situation worse," Kobi replied softly.

"What does that mean to you, not to make it worse?" I asked Kobi gently.

"Not to argue, not to pressure, or be forceful," he answered.

Yifat laughed bitterly. "Not to be forceful? You meant to exercise absence," she said.

Kobi fell silent.

"Yifat, how do you feel when Kobi chooses not to respond?" I asked.

"I feel like air. Like I’m alone in this relationship. Leading, initiating, getting excited… he’s just here by chance. I’m tired of holding everything!" she raised her voice and began to cry. "It’s exhausting me, I don’t want to be the man in this house!" she continued.

"And Kobi?" I asked her.

"Kobi finds it comfortable to escape and leave me with all the dirty work."

"Kobi, what does Yifat say?" I turned to him.

"That she doesn’t trust me. The way I am today, she doesn’t really need me, and I’m just a supporting actor in her script," he answered.

"And how do you feel when you hear that? What happens to you?" I asked him.

"I feel unnecessary. But I also feel there’s an imbalance. I feel like it’s only me who has to chase, and only I have to bring different parts that she doesn’t bring at all, and that’s not fair," Kobi began to get agitated.

"Let’s take a breath and paint a deeper picture. In Judaism, the perception of a couple’s relationship is different, and it’s not based on the principle of equality," I explained.

"Don’t you think there should be equality in a relationship?" Kobi asked.

"The couple’s relationship in Judaism is based on mutual completion, two opposites connected, like plus and minus, and each brings completely different strengths to the relationship. The man brings movement into the relationship, and the woman creates a world from within. He inspires, and she receives."

"That sounds good in theory, but in our reality, I understand that I’m only supposed to contain and wait for Kobi to initiate, and just the thought of that is plunging me into total despair."

"No. You just need to be who you truly are. You’re not waiting, but creating reality out of what Kobi brings. And you, stop avoiding, fearing, and shrinking, and bring your strength. Not a power that imposes, but a power that initiates and brings vision. That’s the strength that confirms that here, with Yifat, is your home."

"But I feel like I don’t have space for that. Yifat is so strong, and she doesn’t give me room to enter," he replied.

"It could be that you lacked a model of presence and influence, and then you learned to avoid and not confront anger, disappointment, and frustrations," I responded to him.

"Yes, in my parents’ house my dad was dominating, and my mom was always silent, and I swore I wouldn’t have such a relationship."

"But I’m not your mom. I don’t need silence; I need you," Yifat turned to him.

"And what about you, Yifat? How have you understood your positioning in the relationship?" I asked.

"My positioning until now has been that I held everyone up, that if I don’t take care, no one will care."

"Do you realize how this is an opposite movement to your feminine essence? Femininity isn’t about taking care of everyone."

"So what is femininity?" she asked.

"Femininity contains and nurtures from what comes into it. And what happened was that you became the leader because he didn’t lead, and you turned into his mother instead of his partner."

"And I’m so angry about that," Yifat lowered her head.

"Of course, because in a couple relationship you need to bring all of yourself on one hand, and on the other hand be half of the relationship, and bring the right movement.

"When each one brings the opposite movement to their root, pain is created, and the structure breaks. The man stops influencing, and the woman dries up from within. She starts to exert a power that isn’t even hers, and the man shrinks and disappears.

"Without a corrected and proper structure – there’s no flow in the relationship, and a void is created. That’s why it’s important for each person to do work on their positioning in the relationship."

All details have been changed to protect privacy.

Hanna Dayan [email protected]

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