When You Become His Mother: How Couple Dynamics Begin to Break Down

Many couples fall into patterns where both partners feel frustrated, misunderstood, and alone, even though they deeply want the relationship to succeed. One partner may feel they are carrying the entire relationship, while the other feels pushed aside or unnecessary.

Often, these painful dynamics develop slowly, as each person responds to the other in ways that unintentionally deepen the distance between them.

Feeling Alone in the Relationship

"It happened again yesterday," Yifat began. "I talk, I initiate, I ask, I demand and he is silent. He disappears."

Kobi responded quietly.

"I’m not disappearing. I’m just trying not to make the situation worse."

"What does that mean for you, not making it worse?" I asked gently.

"It means not arguing, not pressuring, not forcing anything."

Yifat laughed bitterly.

"Not forcing anything? You mean disappearing."

Kobi lowered his eyes and remained silent.

The Exhaustion of Carrying Everything

"Yifat, how do you feel when Kobi chooses not to respond?" I asked.

"I feel like air," she said. "Like I’m alone in this relationship. I’m the one leading everything, initiating everything, getting excited about everything. He’s just here by accident."

Her voice rose as tears began to fall.

"I’m tired of carrying everything. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to be the man in this house."

"And Kobi?" I asked.

"Kobi finds it comfortable to escape and leave me with all the difficult work."

Feeling Unnecessary

I turned to Kobi.

"What do you hear Yifat saying?"

"That she doesn’t trust me," he answered quietly. "The way things are today, she doesn’t really need me. I feel like a supporting actor in her script."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"I feel unnecessary. But I also feel something is not fair. I feel like I’m the only one expected to chase and to bring different parts into the relationship, while she doesn’t bring those parts at all."

His voice began to rise as frustration surfaced.

A Different Way to Look at Relationships

"Let’s pause for a moment," I suggested. "In Jewish thought, the structure of a relationship is not based on equality in the modern sense."

Kobi raised an eyebrow.

"So you don’t think there should be equality in a relationship?"

"In Judaism, a relationship is based on completion rather than equality. Two opposites come together, like plus and minus. Each partner brings different strengths and movements into the relationship."

"The masculine energy tends to bring movement, direction, and influence. The feminine energy builds, nurtures, and develops what enters into it."

A Misunderstanding of Roles

Yifat shook her head.

"That sounds nice in theory. But in reality, it sounds like I’m supposed to just wait for Kobi to act, and that idea makes me feel completely hopeless."

"No," I replied. "You are not waiting. You are creating reality from what enters your world."

"And you, Kobi, must stop shrinking, avoiding, and fearing confrontation. You need to bring your strength into the relationship. Not a forceful power that dominates, but a power that initiates and brings direction. That is the energy that tells Yifat that with you, she is home."

The Fear of Stepping Forward

Kobi looked uncertain.

"But I feel like I don’t have space for that. Yifat is very strong. I don’t feel there’s room for me."

"It may be that you never had a healthy model of presence and influence," I said. "Sometimes when people grow up without that example, they learn to avoid conflict instead of stepping into it."

Kobi nodded slowly.

"In my parents’ home, my father was very dominating and my mother was completely silent. I promised myself I would never create a relationship like that."

Yifat turned toward him.

"But I’m not your mother. I don’t want silence. I want you."

When Roles Become Reversed

I turned to Yifat.

"How have you understood your role in this relationship?"

"My role has always been to hold everything together," she said. "If I don’t take care of everything, no one will."

"Do you see how that movement is the opposite of your natural feminine strength?"

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"True feminine energy does not control everything. It receives, nurtures, and develops what comes into it."

What happened here is that Yifat stepped into the leadership role because Kobi withdrew. Over time, she became more like his mother than his partner.

The Pain of Losing the Structure

Yifat lowered her head.

"I’m very angry about that."

"Of course," I said. "In a relationship, each partner must bring their full self while also bringing the right movement into the partnership."

When each partner moves in the opposite direction of their natural role, pain appears. The structure of the relationship begins to collapse.

The man stops influencing and initiating. The woman becomes emotionally drained and begins using a kind of power that is not truly hers.

The result is predictable.

The man shrinks and disappears.
The woman becomes exhausted and resentful.

Restoring the Structure

Without a healthy structure, there is no flow in the relationship. Instead, a vacuum is created where frustration and distance grow.

That is why real change begins when each partner examines their position within the relationship and begins restoring their authentic movement.

When the structure is corrected, balance slowly returns and the relationship begins to flow again.

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor