"I Needed You, And You Weren't There for Me"

"I don’t believe you anymore, Roy. And it’s not just about last week, but about all the times you’ve disappointed me throughout our relationship," Dana said to Roy.

"About everything? Are you serious? Don’t you see that you are the most important thing in my life?" Roy replied.

"The most important? Then how can it be that I’m the most important, and you leave me alone with the kids here and go to all sorts of meetings without even checking in on me? How can it be that I’m the most important, and you hurt me without stopping?" she asked.

"Hurt you without stopping? Maybe you’re just too sensitive? Maybe all these complications are yours and not at all related to reality?" Roy responded.

"Are you serious? Do you realize what you’re saying to me right now?" Dana began to cry.

"When I go to a business meeting, it’s for our home; if you understood that, you wouldn’t feel hurt," Roy continued to worsen the situation.

"Understand, I’ve been listening to all her pains and holding on endlessly for so long that it’s just unbearable now," Roy turned to me.

"Of course, because you weren’t really with me in my pain," Dana interjected and responded to him.

"It doesn’t matter what I try to do for her; she’s not satisfied, and that’s the most frustrating thing that could be. At first, when I blamed her for everything she created in our relationship, there was an explosion. When I blamed myself, there were different kinds of explosions. What else can I do? I’m completely desperate," Roy turned to me again, ignoring what Dana had said.

"I feel like I’ve truly lost my ability to believe in Roy," Dana spoke to me this time.

"Roy, thank you very much," I addressed Roy.

"For what?" Roy asked.

"This entire conversation you just had with her demonstrated to us what not to do in order to restore the lost trust in a relationship," I said to Roy.

"Really? Why?" Roy asked.

"Every tactic you use is an elegant way to shift the blame for the lack of attention we’ve had. It’s very tempting for us to remove responsibility when we are activated by the immense pain caused by the loss of trust with someone particularly close, and we feel helpless about the situation," I replied.

"So how do I actually heal the broken trust?" Roy asked.

"The change that needs to happen is a fundamental change. You need to put Dana at the top of your priorities because that’s the most powerful expression of how important people are to us.

"You can’t tell Dana she’s the most important to you and at the same time show that you have more important things. You really need to change the order of things and place Dana right at the top, and it must have a practical and tangible expression."

"Where do I start?" Roy asked.

"By taking responsibility. Acknowledge that you haven’t really prioritized Dana and all your attention on her like you always told her you would. You need to learn to do this not from a place of guilt but from a place of recognition, responsibility, and a choice for change."

"Yes, but what if suddenly there’s an emergency at work? Or if I had plans with friends?" Roy asked.

"This is exactly where Dana’s importance is measured, in the way you choose within such a complex situation. In situations where there are clashes between needs and wants, these are precisely the points where Dana felt that you preferred something else over her, and thus she lost trust in you."

"But how am I supposed to be aware of that? I feel like I’m acting naturally, and it just happens..." Roy said.

"It requires being aware and observing your thoughts from the outside, when they start to go in the direction of:

• These things are more important than Dana's needs
• Dana will manage
• I have no idea what to do anyway, and it won’t help
• It’s too hard for me to deal with this.

"Because those thoughts absolve you from really worrying about Dana, and you automatically lower her in the scale of importance and priorities," I explained.

"So what? Do I have to sacrifice myself this way? All of this to put worrying about Dana at the top of my priorities?" Roy asked.

"Worrying about yourself should come first because that gives meaning to your placing Dana so high, and gives her importance. It’s not that you’re negating yourself, but you’re creating a strong ‘I’ with the ability to choose, which allows you to put Dana at the top of your priorities."

"So what am I supposed to do if I want Dana to see how important she is to me?" asked Roy.

"First, just ask her: How can I make you feel important?

"Ask yourself: What is valuable to Dana? What makes her happy? Then give her that.

"This is a long-term process, not just a week's effort, because trust is built when small actions repeat. When you don’t just say 'I choose you,' but you show and implement it.

"The small actions from daily life that you persist in are what create trust, not the big dramas. Trust won’t come back just because you said the right thing, but when the next time she needs you – you will be there for her."

This column was inspired by Miriam Klein.

All details have been changed to protect privacy.

Hannah Dayan [email protected]

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