Facing the Fear of Losing Each Other

"I can't take it anymore," Tali began with a trembling voice, a mix of despair and anger. "Every time I ask for something and emphasize how important it is to me, Itzik forgets. I feel like I’m the only one holding this relationship together, reminding, pushing, taking care, until I just can't anymore, and I simply break down."

"And then?" I asked.

"Then he just disappears, as if he didn't even see that I broke," she replied.

Itzik was silent. His eyes shifted, and you could feel the weight of the accusation he felt. "I'm not disappearing, I just don't know how to stay, and I feel like I can't take it anymore too..." he answered.

"When you said you couldn't take it anymore, could you clarify and explain what you can't handle anymore?" I turned to Tali.

Tali sighed deeply, already tired of all the repetition and explanations surrounding the issue. "I can’t continue being invisible, since we got married I've only had to keep reminding myself that I exist," she replied, tears welling in her eyes.

"What about you? What can't you handle anymore?" I asked Itzik.

"The failure," he answered with a choked voice. "The moment I see in Tali's eyes that I've disappointed her again, and she no longer believes in me – I feel like I can't deal with that fear," he said.

"Fear of what?" I asked.

"Fear that this time she'll really leave me," Itzik replied.

"Maybe we should just stop this pain between each other. Perhaps it’s really time to break up," Tali said.

"Tali, you don't really want to break up with Itzik. You want to break free from the feeling that you are not important. And you, Itzik, you just want to stop being that anxious kid, constantly feeling like you need to please and seek validation to avoid being left behind."

"I feel like I keep making the same mistake my whole life. Again and again trying to prove that I’m worthy," Itzik said, looking down.

"And her?" I asked, looking at Tali.

"She doesn’t believe in me, but I understand it’s because I don’t believe in myself," Itzik replied. "So what do we do? How do we move forward?"

"This can’t continue, you’re both right. But it's important to understand: you’re not breaking from Itzik, but from your struggle to be seen. And you, Itzik, you’re not collapsing because of Tali, but from the internal failure you’ve been carrying for a long time.

"Let’s try an exercise for a moment. Close your eyes, and imagine what your relationship looks like without those patterns. Without your shout, Tali, to be seen, and without your escape, Itzik, from the fear of disappointing. What’s left of the relationship?" I asked.

There was a long silence.

"Silence," Tali whispered.

"Hope," Itzik added.

Tali wiped a tear, and Itzik looked at her as if he was seeing her for the first time.

"Itzik is not the wrong man," Tali suddenly said, surprised by the words that came out of her. "It’s the wounded girl within me, who chose a man capable of touching the heart of her wound, in the unconscious hope that he will be the one to heal it," she continued.

"That’s a statement from someone who doesn't just want to survive, but to start healing," I said, smiling.

"So what do we do?" Itzik reached out to Tali.

"Every time the pain arises, take a moment and ask yourselves: What am I really facing right now? What is this pain that is surfacing? What healing does this pain of the child within me seek?

Pain, to transition, needs visibility and a place. If you succeed in staying present in that moment, you will discover that you are finally truly meeting each other."

All details have been changed to protect privacy.

Hanna Dayan[email protected]

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