Finding Freedom: The Cost of Our Roles

"I don’t understand. I’m always doing things for Dana, for the kids, for everyone. But instead of feeling appreciated and relaxed, I just feel choked," said Amichai.

"Choked?" I asked.

"No matter what I do, it’s never enough," he replied.

Dana smiled a weary smile. "You really do a lot for me, but it feels like you’re doing it to prove that you’re okay, not really for me," she responded.

"Amichai, when you say that no matter what you do, it’s never enough – how does that feel in your body right now?" I asked him.

Amichai closed his eyes. "It makes me feel heavy, pressure in my chest. Like I’m wearing a tight, constricting suit," he answered.

"And what does this suit symbolize?" I asked.

"This suit? A role I took on as a lifeguard," he said.

"And then?" I asked.

"If I’m not in that role, and I’m not the one holding everyone up, then who am I?" he said.

"Amichai, when you step into the lifeguard role and your body tightens, that’s a sign you’re holding onto an identity that’s limiting you. Beneath all that, there’s something else – there’s a current of life wanting to flow through you," I explained.

"Flow through me?" Amichai asked.

"Not as a lifeguard, but as Amichai," I replied.

"I'm not sure I understand," he said, confused.

"We’re used to thinking in binary terms: right/ wrong, good/bad. But your body is a different compass, telling you when you’re clinging to attempts at control, and when you’re open to healing. When you’re open – there’s flow, joy, and confidence," I explained.

"I hardly recognize you in that state; you’re either stressed or defensive most of the time," Dana quietly turned to him.

"Stop all the stories and explanations for a moment, and just ask yourselves three simple questions..."

"What questions?" Dana interrupted me.

"Who is the person sitting across from me? What is he feeling right now? What would benefit him the most?" I answered.

"And then?" Dana asked.

"Think about how the conversation between you would look," I asked them both.

"I see you’re tired, exhausted," Amichai turned to Dana.

"I see you’re stressed and always trying to hold everything together. What would benefit you now is probably just knowing that I’m with you, even if you’re not holding the whole world together," Dana said to him with teary eyes.

The silence in the room was a healing silence.

"Dana, what’s your role?" I asked her.

"The critic. The one who always knows best. My mother was always on guard, fixing and complaining, and I probably inherited that from her," Dana laughed sadly.

"Pain doesn’t disappear; it gets passed down from generation to generation. And when we look at it with compassion, we realize that your mother acted from a place of pain too. Now you have the opportunity not just to avoid continuing the pattern but to begin the healing," I suggested.

"I never thought of her as someone wounded, just as a kind of judge full of criticism," she replied.

"Life isn’t meant to be a series of problems to solve. Life is a journey. Your souls met to open a new level. The wounds you feel are not your enemies, but gateways. Every time you return to the same arguments or pains, it’s not a punishment, and you’re not actually stuck in a loop. You are in a spiral movement, where you meet the same place again, but each time from a higher step. When you resist this, you fail to move up, and that makes healing very difficult," I explained.

"So I don’t need to be the ‘lifeguard’ anymore?" Amichai asked.

"You need to be who you truly are. Amichai who allows the flow to pass through him and becomes simply more natural. Not Amichai who is in a performance," I clarified.

"And maybe I can also let go of the role of the judge, see you more and check what you’re really feeling," Dana said to him with understanding.

"And that’s the beauty of the three questions that circumvent the need for control and open space for humility and compassion.

"Next time you feel that constriction or tension, pause. Ask yourself: what role am I holding right now? Then, from a place of compassion and humility, ask yourself: what would benefit me the most right now? Allow your body to guide you, from true awareness of it."

Hanna Dayan[email protected]

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