Striking the Balance: Navigating Independence and Support in Relationships

Yuval and Shani sat across from me. The atmosphere was tense; they didn't dare to look at each other.

"I feel like I'm falling apart. Every time I need him and he’s not there for me, I just break down," Shani said.

"When do you feel this way?" I asked Shani.

"When I’m in an internal storm and he’s at work, or unavailable, I feel like I'm losing everything. I wait anxiously for him to come back and support me, then I can relax," Shani replied.

"What breaks you apart?" I inquired.

"It suffocates me," Shani started to tear up.

"What?" I asked.

"I don’t want to be dependent on him like this; I want to know how to hold myself up," she answered.

"It makes me feel like I’m constantly disappointing her because sometimes I can’t be available enough, and then she collapses," Yuval said.

"Do you feel like you want to depend on him, or be independent from him?" I asked Shani.

"I want both. I want to feel influenced by him, to sense him and gain strength from him, but I also want to feel that I have my own backbone, that I can hold myself up even when he’s not available."

"These aren’t really two opposing extremes, but two different sides of the same internal space. Every feminine aspect of you knows how to open up and be influenced, and also to be collected and stable, and the challenge is to manage to hold both together."

Shani nodded quietly in agreement.

"The place where you open up to Yuval and receive from him isn’t a weakness but an art form."

"An art?" Shani questioned.

"You learn to draw real desire from him for the sake of the relationship, and that’s directly related to your belief that you deserve to receive the best. The more you believe that you are worthy – the more you draw his desire towards you."

"I really feel that it’s hard for me to believe that," Shani responded.

"That’s a sign that you have inner wounds that need healing."

"But what happens when he’s not there? When he’s unavailable to me?" Shani asked in resistance.

"Then you’re not required to overcome and be alone by force, but to lean on the feeling of fullness that has been gathered within you. When you receive real desire from him in the flow of life, that strength remains with you even when he’s no longer there. This strength turns into an internal reservoir, and then you’re not dependent on his physical presence; you can feel safe and important even when he’s far away."

"It still feels hard to me," Shani replied.

"It’s not that you’ll stop feeling pain or loneliness, but you won’t be crushed by them," I answered.

"How am I supposed to know if what I give her comes from genuine desire or from trying to please her? She’s always angry and claims that I’m always trying to please her," Yuval said.

"When you act out of a desire to please – either you fear her reaction, or you avoid conflict, or you seek a sense of approval and validation. Then, she feels it, which causes her to collapse.

"Pleasing doesn’t give her a sense of value, but fosters dependency. It makes her feel that you don’t really want her, but are just trying to calm her down. When you truly desire her well-being, your desire gives her immense power, and to be precise, it gives immense power to the relationship. Your desire represents not just you, but all of creation that wants what’s good for her."

"That’s so true. When I feel that he genuinely wants me – I feel like God and the entire universe are with me. When he tries to please me, it breaks me; I feel like I’m threatening him, as if he has to give me something to survive."

"That’s the point. Yuval, as women, we know how to read a man's desire. If it’s genuine desire – it builds us up, and if it’s pleasing – it crushes us. Therefore, the key is not the actions, but the desire. You need to notice if you’re acting out of fear or genuine desire. Only genuine desire will give her the feeling that she is important, safe, and seen."

"And Shani, you need to work on your inner experience and keep returning to the question: Do I feel that I am deserving of real goodness? The stronger this experience becomes, the more you’ll be able to draw his genuine desire, and you won’t need to demand it."

"Essentially, if Shani believes she deserves it, it will help draw from me the forces of my genuine desire, and if I’m connected to my genuine desire, it will strengthen Shani’s feeling of worthiness," Amichai concluded.

"Exactly. It’s a restorative cycle of deep mutuality. Her experience is built from your desire, and your desire strengthens when she believes in herself. Then healing occurs between you, allowing true growth and building of the relationship."

Inspired by Miriam Klein.

Hannah Dayan [email protected]

For all columns and contact, click here