Seeking Validation: The Hidden Trap in Relationships

Many couples enter relationships hoping their partner will give them what they feel is missing in their lives: love, appreciation, validation, or security. But when happiness depends entirely on what the other person gives or fails to give, the relationship can quickly become a place of frustration and disappointment rather than growth.

When Happiness Depends on the Other Person

"I just feel like I’m not getting everything I need from Naomi," Yoav began. "She isn’t loving enough, doesn’t support me enough, doesn’t really see me. I always feel like something is missing in this relationship."

Naomi sighed. "It doesn’t matter how much I give of myself. For Yoav it’s never enough. I’m already exhausted from this feeling."

"Yoav," I said, "what you’re really saying is that if Naomi gives you everything you need, you’ll be happy. But if things stay as they are now, you’ll continue to suffer."

"Exactly," Yoav replied.

"So in a way, your happiness depends entirely on what Naomi gives you."

He nodded.

A Reactive Position

"When your happiness depends on someone else’s actions," I explained, "you’re in a reactive position. Your emotional world is being controlled by reality around you."

"So now I’m the one to blame for everything?" Yoav asked defensively.

"This isn’t about blame at all," I replied. "It’s about recognizing that you actually have a choice."

"What choice?"

"There are two possible paths. The first option is not to continue the relationship. No one is forcing you to stay."

Yoav looked surprised.

"The second option is to take full responsibility for your happiness and also for your suffering."

"That sounds almost impossible," Yoav said quietly. "I just want to feel loved."

What Do I Get From This Relationship

"Many people enter relationships with a single question," I said. "What do I get from this?"

Yoav looked puzzled.

"For example, someone may marry a beautiful partner because it raises their sense of worth. Someone else marries a successful partner because they want security. But eventually those expectations collapse. No partner can permanently fill what we feel is lacking inside."

Naomi nodded. "That’s exactly what I keep telling him. He’s always focused on what he’s not getting."

"But I chose you because I wanted you to love me," Yoav said, turning to her. "Isn’t that natural?"

"It’s completely natural," I answered.

A Different Perspective

"But there is another way to look at relationships. Instead of asking what do I receive, we begin asking a different question: what comes from me and what can I give?"

"Subconsciously," I continued, "we often choose partners who challenge our deepest wounds. Naomi is not here to fill every emotional gap you feel. She is here to help you discover your own ability to generate love, appreciation, and strength from within."

Yoav listened carefully.

"When you want her to appreciate you," I explained, "it is also an invitation for you to appreciate her. When you give appreciation, you awaken that same quality within yourself."

"So she’s not really supposed to give me everything I’m looking for?" Yoav asked hesitantly.

"In many cases, the relationship exposes our dependence on external validation. When we rely entirely on others to confirm our worth, we remain trapped."

From Dependency to Inner Strength

Naomi frowned slightly. "That sounds almost cruel. Like I need to hurt him in order for him to grow."

"It’s not about hurting," I said. "It’s about revealing the places where we are still dependent."

"When Yoav asks you for something you genuinely cannot give, it invites him to discover what is missing within himself. That discovery is where real growth begins."

Yoav thought quietly.

"So every place where I’m angry at Naomi is actually a place where I need to work on myself?"

"Exactly," I replied.

"Instead of saying she isn’t giving me what I need, ask yourself two questions: What can I give her? And what am I not giving myself?"

The Freedom to Love

"This process can feel uncomfortable," I continued. "It can feel like emotional detox. But on the other side of that process is real freedom."

"The moment you stop waiting for someone else to fill you from the outside, you begin to discover that the strength you were searching for already exists within you."

Naomi looked relieved. "So I’m not supposed to carry him or lift him up all the time?"

"No," I answered gently. "You’re not his parent. You’re his partner. Your role is to walk beside him, not to hold him up."

Yoav turned toward Naomi.

"All those years when I felt disappointed, maybe those were moments inviting me to look inward," he said quietly.

"That’s the movement of a healthy relationship," I concluded. "A relationship is not the place where we finally receive everything we were missing. It is the place where we discover how to give from fullness rather than from lack."

Yoav smiled faintly.

"It still feels like a difficult detox."

"But if we succeed," Naomi added softly, "maybe we’ll finally feel free together."

All details have been changed to protect privacy.

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor