Are You a Victim in Your Relationship? How to Break Free

"I just feel like I’m not getting everything I need from Naomi. Naomi isn’t loving enough, doesn’t support me, doesn’t see me… I always feel lacking in this relationship," said Yoav.

"It doesn’t matter how much I give of myself, it’s never enough for Yoav. I’m exhausted from this feeling already," Naomi complained.

"Yoav, what you’re really saying is that if she gives you everything you need – you’ll be happy, and if the situation continues as it is now, where she doesn’t give you all that you need, you’ll just suffer," I checked with Yoav.

"Exactly," Yoav replied.

"Can we say that you are the victim in this relationship?" I asked him.

"I don’t know if I’d call it being a victim, but it’s clear I’m being treated unfairly," Yoav said.

"When your happiness depends on Naomi, meaning that if she gives you what you need, you’ll be happy, and if not – you’ll suffer, you’re actually in a reactive position to reality, and someone else is controlling your feelings," I explained.

"So am I also to blame for this whole situation?" Yoav asked defensively.

"It’s not about blame at all. I’m saying there’s a choice between two options, and if you want to escape this situation, you need to choose. But first, we must understand what the two options are, otherwise you will truly continue to be in a position of no choice.

"One option is to not continue the relationship. It’s important to understand that this is an option, no one is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to be with Naomi.

"The second option is to take full responsibility for your happiness, and also for your suffering".

"But that sounds almost impossible. I want to feel loved," Yoav responded.

"Many people enter relationships with one question: what do I get out of this?".

"What do you mean?" Yoav asked.

"Let’s say someone married a beautiful woman – he felt it would raise his value. A woman who married a successful man – she felt she would gain security. Unfortunately, all these expectations shatter during the relationship, and it becomes clear that a partner really can’t meet them.

"A healthy relationship asks the opposite: what comes from me to her, what can I give her, and what emerges from within me," I explained.

"That’s exactly what I keep telling him, that he’s only focused on what he’s lacking and what he’s not receiving," Naomi chimed in.

"But I chose you because I wanted you to just love me, isn’t that natural?" Yoav asked in surprise.

"It’s quite natural," I answered on her behalf.

"Subconsciously, you chose Naomi because she can challenge you in your most painful areas. She’s not here to fill your lack, but to help you discover your ability to channel abundance through you.

"When you want her to appreciate you, it’s an invitation for you to appreciate her, and through that, you’ll feel the inner appreciation within yourself".

"So, she’s not supposed to give me what I’m looking for so much?" Yoav asked with resistance in his tone.

"Right. Quite the opposite, she’s training you to let go of that need. Who needs external validation? Only those who lack internal validation."

"That sounds a bit cruel, as if I need to hurt him to grow," Naomi responded.

"It’s not about hurting but revealing the reality between you, of all the places where you are still dependent. When he asks you for something you truly can’t give, it’s an invitation for him to discover within himself what’s lacking, and that’s the movement he needs to embrace outward".

"So, does that mean all those places where I’m angry at Naomi are places I should be working on myself?" Yoav asked.

"Exactly. Instead of saying 'she doesn’t give me', ask 'what can I give her, and what am I not giving myself?'. Instead of seeking validation from her – start finding it from within."

"It’s a difficult process, it feels like detox, but in the end, it’s true freedom, and that’s where your release begins. The moment you stop waiting for someone to fill you from the outside, you discover that this power resides within you, and only then, from that freedom, can you truly love," I replied to him.

"So what you’re saying is that I’m not the one who needs to lift Yoav up?" Naomi asked.

"Exactly. You’re not here to hold him up, he’s not your child. You’re here to walk alongside him. When each of you learns to give what you have been searching for from the other, a new space of connection will open, not one of dependency or self-interest."

"All those years, basically, when I didn’t get what I wanted, I needed to learn to look inward, and I simply wasn’t ready to face that pain," Yoav said to Naomi.

"That’s exactly the movement of a healthy relationship. It’s not the place where we finally receive what’s lacking, but the place where we discover how to give what we’ve been searching for, not from lack but from fullness."

"It really feels to me like a very hard detox," Yoav said.

"And if we succeed, we can truly feel free together," Naomi added.

Hannah Dayan [email protected]

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