How to Heal Relationships: Asking Yourself the Hard Questions

"I don’t know how we can keep going like this," Shiraz opened with frustration. "Every time we argue, I feel like I’m the one causing the hurt," she continued.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I react to what Han does, and then he withdraws, leaving me alone with this pain. How can we build a connection like this?" she asked.

"That’s true," Han said quietly. "But you always blame me, as if it’s all my fault. I feel like I have no space to say what I feel, because it immediately turns into a debate about who’s right."

This was a classic moment of relational failure – the same survival dance repeating itself – hurt, blame, and distance.

"Let’s pause for a moment. These moments of failure are not the problem in your relationship, but actually an opportunity," I said.

"Opportunity?" Han asked in surprise.

"An opportunity for growth, healing, and building a more stable and loving connection. But, it requires courage," I answered him.

"What kind of courage?" he asked hesitantly.

"Courage to ask yourself: How am I hurting the one I love?"

"I constantly ask myself what I’m doing wrong… but what about him? He never admits to his hurt and is always focused on defense and explanations," Shiraz said.

"Let’s see, Shiraz, if we can look at this a bit differently. Your relationship didn’t start out perfectly suited, but it can become that way through this dance. You just need to change the steps from failure, reaction, and repair. In a relationship as significant as yours, you’re exposing unconscious parts of yourselves. These are parts you wouldn’t encounter alone."

"What do you mean by unconscious parts? I know exactly what I’m doing. When Shiraz yells at me, I withdraw to avoid escalating the fight," Han said skeptically.

"Exactly. The anger, withdrawal, and hurt are not random; they are part of the ‘meeting’," I replied.

"Meeting?" he asked.

"A meeting with wounds, threats, denials, and childhood patterns. It’s a call for complete healing."

"But how can we go through a healing process when he doesn’t even admit or confront it?" Shiraz asked angrily.

"The main obstacle is blame. When you blame each other, the process gets stuck, and it maintains those hurtful patterns."

"So how do we get out of this? How do we fix it?" Shiraz took a deep breath and understood the message.

"Through a process of repentance and repair: repentance (internal inquiry), repair (engaging in the relationship), and then a connection is created (renewed closeness)."

"Can you explain?" Han asked.

"The stage of repentance – this is not a stage of immediate change but a stage of inquiry. You ask yourself: What is my hurtful action? What within me causes me to do it?"

"When I withdraw, it’s because I’m afraid of her anger, which reminds me of my mother, who would always yell at my father, and then he would close in on himself. I don’t want to be like him, but I notice that I’m doing the same thing," Han said.

"Right, but just agreeing to see this already creates clarity and internal connection," I replied.

"I yell because I feel lonely, and it seems like I’m the only one who cares. And maybe this is a pattern from childhood, when my dad worked all day and my mom was left alone to handle everything, and it scares me that I’ll end up like her," Shiraz responded.

"Then you can reach the stage of repair, where I need to come to the relationship with a clear statement, with an explicit expression: ‘I hurt you’, ‘I was wrong’, ‘I caused you pain’. You must take full responsibility, without justifications and without blame. Additionally, you can share your internal inquiry about your fears. This creates honesty, depth, and genuine care."

"Shiraz, I’m sorry, I hurt you when I withdrew, I was wrong. I understand now that it was because of my fear of your anger, and I want to be there for you," he said.

"Thank you. I also hurt you when I yelled, I caused you pain because I was afraid of being alone like my mom. I take full responsibility for that," she replied, tearfully.

"Great, that’s exactly what I meant. Hurt always stems from a disconnection from myself, from my heart, and then, of course, from my partner and the relationship. Healing reconnects me to myself through awareness of inner pain. Don’t run away from the pain – the willingness to stay in it creates deep intimacy and renewed love.

"It’s also important that you understand what not to do.

• Blaming like ‘You make me hurt’,
• Justifications like ‘I did it because I had to’, or a desire to finish quickly,
• Internal blindness, like trying to apologize without seeing the hurtful parts at all, and running away from pain to feel good."

"I now understand that I do this, but I don’t recognize and see my pattern."

"You see, the process of repair is not a one-time event but a way of life. It is precisely through moments of hurt and friction that connection, intimacy, and love are built. Courage to look inward with true responsibility and connection – these are the foundations of forgiveness, trust, and stable romantic closeness."

Hanna Dayan[email protected]

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