Navigating Emotional Challenges in Relationships: A Journey from Boyhood to Manhood

"I really don’t understand, why can’t he be there for me when I bring all this vulnerability? It’s so hurtful and humiliating. Every time I express my painful and difficult feelings – he just fades away and disappears. He can lift heavy things, tidy up the house, take care of the garden, be with the kids, and give 200 percent of himself in managing the household, but when my heart weakens – he can’t be there for me," Tirzah opened with a harsh accusation towards Erez.

"I want to support her, but when she expresses her feelings, I feel like she’s criticizing me, like she’s coming at me with harsh accusations, and then something inside me shuts down. I feel like I revert to being a child in front of my mother, and again I feel that I’m 'not okay'".

"I hate to disappoint you, but everything you’ve raised here is not just your private story. Almost everyone enters a relationship carrying their inner child, who has been searching for their parents’ approval all their lives. A child who learned to be 'the good one', 'the worthy one', 'the one who pleases'. When he enters a relationship, subconsciously he seeks that familiar feeling again: to be valued, to be strong, and to impress.

"When you, Tirzah, bring your weaknesses, when you tell him that you’re hurt by him, something in him freezes. His inner child awakens and brings him back to that old fear – of disappointing, of not being okay, and of not being worthy. Instead of getting closer, he withdraws, as a defense response of his psyche".

"So what? Am I supposed to not bring my weaknesses to him?" asked Tirzah.

"Heaven forbid. This is where the important journey of Erez begins, moving from boyhood to manhood.

"A boy seeks external approval and is focused on pleasing. A man learns to stand up to criticism, even when it’s unpleasant, and continues to remain connected to his heart. He knows how to stay present even when he feels threatened or hurt and to turn his fears into a driving force for growth".

"Look, I really don’t know how to do this. As Tirzah said, I’m a champ at managing the house and give more of myself than any other man I know, but I don’t know this emotional world, and I truly feel powerless," said Erez.

"Tirzah, the emotional world is a new language for Erez, and he needs a clear and gentle invitation from you, saying: 'I want you here, I need you right now to be with me'.

"The verse 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife' takes on a new meaning here. It’s not just a physical departure from his parents’ home, but an internal departure from the desperate need for their approval, and choosing to be a man who clings to you even when it’s hard, even when Erez is challenged and scared".

"But what does that mean in practice?" asked Tirzah.

"It means you should ask him explicitly, without expecting him to guess, and you say: 'I need you to sit with me for just fifteen minutes now, just to listen and be with me.' That will give him clear direction, without expecting him to guess. This will also allow you to appreciate even his inaccurate movements, because the very attempt on his part to be there for you is already a huge and significant step.

"It means you’ll allow him to feel that you see his effort, even when it's not precise or perfect, because that will strengthen his confidence to continue and improve.

"Remember, Tirzah, the emotional world is new for him, so give him time to learn and improve without harsh criticism. Keep sharing your feelings, but do so from a place of invitation for connection, not from a place of complaint or blame."

"And what about me? How am I supposed to do this?" asked Erez.

"Learn to listen even when your heart shrinks. Strengthen a new muscle. Don’t flee from her words, and don’t bring your defensiveness to her. Don’t try to solve her distress or disconnect, but ask yourself: what can I learn from this?

"Develop awareness of when you feel like a child seeking approval, and remind yourself that you’re a man who chooses to be there for her, even when it's challenging. Instead of trying to 'solve' her distress, ask her: what do you need from me right now?

"Even if you only succeed partially, acknowledge that you tried and appreciate your small steps.

"It’s important that you understand: this doesn’t make you weak; on the contrary – it’s what strengthens and builds you, making you a present partner, not a child who is always waiting for applause and validation.

"It’s crucial for both of you to know – it’s enough for one of you to do this work, and the entire dynamic of the relationship will change. And if you manage to choose and do it together, you, Tirzah, will bring the invitation and be appreciative, and you, Erez, will be brave to stand in front of the difficulty and pain – then your relationship will transform from a series of attempts to please, into a deep journey of growth.

"The relationship will give you the strength to be a real man, and you, Tirzah, will receive a partner who can truly be with you, even in moments of weakness.

"This may not be the easiest path, but it is the only way for a relationship to be a place of true support, not from survival and the fear of failing, but from a conscious choice to grow together".

Hannah Dayan[email protected]

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