Finding Joy Beyond Pain: A Couple's Journey to Healing

Amichai and Dana sat across from me without looking at each other.

"We are constantly fighting with each other, and we are tired of it," Dana opened the conversation on behalf of both of them. "And honestly, it feels like we just can’t be together without suffering," she added.

"I feel like no matter how hard we try, we always end up in the same place. We are just addicted to our dramas, and it’s frustrating," said Amichai.

"It seems like the glue that holds you together in this relationship is the suffering. Do you notice that?"

"It feels horrible, but it’s as if we can’t connect any other way," Amichai replied. He, who always tried to bridge gaps and find solutions, looked exhausted this time, almost defeated.

"The body and mind tend to get used to suffering, and then it creates a safe zone, the very foundation being this painful place. And then, when something good happens to you..."

"We are not ready to accept it," Dana interrupted.

"Because you are not afraid of the pain, but of the joy, the wholeness, and the good feelings."

"What do you mean? Are we afraid of being happy?" Amichai laughed.

"Exactly, because if you just feel good, your body won’t know what to do with it. It needs the adrenaline of suffering," I replied.

"It’s so crazy; we’re suffering, wounded and unable to let go," Dana said in confusion.

"You’re stuck in a ‘program’ that your body has learned, where suffering is what keeps you together. Living for years in continuous emotional drama, suffering becomes like a constant background music. The good feels too quiet, almost menacing in its emptiness. Even when good moments occur, the body rushes to 'bring back the familiar sound', just to restore stability."

"Isn’t there an update to this program? How do we get out of it? How do we stop chasing pain?" Amichai asked.

"At first, you can acknowledge the small moments where you can simply be together without proving anything. Without arguing, without apologizing, and without trying to bring the past back," I replied.

"It’s not simple," Dana protested.

"You’re right, it’s really not easy because the body resists it. However, as a first step, you need to agree to see and understand that it can be different."

"I feel a real resistance, maybe even fear, to be in such a good place…," Dana said.

"Why?" I asked.

"I feel it might hold for a bit, then something will happen, and we’ll fail."

She couldn’t explain why, but that fear felt almost as tangible as the pain itself.

"Herein lies the secret. This is your fear: that everything is easy, that there is joy and everything is perfect. Your body is used to suffering, and that’s what you know. I understand that you will feel instability when everything goes well, and that is normal, because you are relearning to be in a good place."

"But how do we do that?" Amichai asked.

"Start with small things. For example, the next time Dana gets mad at you, don’t defend yourself; just sit and listen to her. Allow yourself to listen and feel what she feels, and your body will start to learn something new. A feeling of calm, closeness, and love that doesn’t require suffering."

"So what we need to do is practice every day and see the moments where we can be together without pain?" Amichai asked.

"And every time you succeed – know that you are strengthening a new path that has opened – a path of love, warmth, and peace. Each success will reduce your dependence on suffering."

"And what do we do when we fail?"

"That’s part of the process, returning to familiar patterns because that’s what you know… you can’t just throw them away; rather, you learn to live alongside them. It requires patience, awareness, and courage. You don’t need to be perfect; you need to learn to be present by developing listening skills without judgment or demanding explanations."

When they got up, the silence between them was no longer the painful silence from before, but a new, softer silence, a silence of a new beginning.

True love is not created when there is no suffering, but when there is a good place where suffering is no longer frightening.

Hannah Dayan[email protected]

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