Navigating Emotions in Relationships: A Conversation Between Partners

The room was filled with a quiet tension. They sat across from me, but not looking at each other. Each was trying to find a safe spot within this space.

"What goes through your minds in those moments when you're sitting here together?", I asked.

"I feel like we are always busy with wars and accusations, and we can’t really connect at all," replied Dana.

"I’m frustrated. I feel like I’m trying all the time, and it’s never enough," said Amichai quietly.

"Let’s try to examine together what happens in these moments? What makes you feel this way?".

"I think he doesn’t understand me, or doesn’t accept what I’m feeling," Dana responded.

"I really try to understand, but when you say things like: 'You never help around the house,' I feel that’s not true, and I find myself explaining and justifying," Amichai replied.

"And now, pay attention! What’s happening here is exactly what I want us to learn to see. Dana expresses feelings through words that talk about facts – 'You never help.' The talk isn’t about the facts, but about the feelings of loneliness, insecurity, and invisibility that Dana feels.

"Amichai, when your response is to explain or prove her words, you come off as a resistor, and that breaks the connection she’s trying to create between you, and all she needs is for you to see her."

"That feels so hard to me," said Amichai.

"The way to do this is by positioning each of you correctly. But it’s enough for just one of you to be positioned correctly, and it will already start to create significant change.

"Amichai, you bring your lights, your strengths, and your energy in a way that is grounded, to Dana. These are energies that come out of you; you bring yourself forward. When you fight and try to prove and justify, then the energy brings you back to yourself, and not to her."

"But a lot of times I can’t stop myself, I feel a strong need to explain or defend."

"And that's understandable, but here's the work. It's not automatic. It requires awareness and practice, and sometimes you need to stop the need to defend yourself. When you stop fighting about the facts and start being with her feelings, then she opens up and begins to receive the light that you bring."

"I feel that when you give me little gestures like balloons, flowers, or a cake I like, it makes me much more open to talking and feeling closer to you," Dana told him warmly.

"This is exactly the example of real connection. Do you understand that these gestures, without even words, speak a language she understands? It's an emotional language, not a cerebral one."

"So I don’t need to understand everything? Just be there?" Amichai asked.

"Exactly. Being with her in her emotions – that’s already a huge success that makes a difference, and this is where the kids come into play."

"What do the kids have to do with it?" asked Dana.

"The emotional language you’re practicing now in your relationship, also applies to your connection with the children. When a child says: 'You don’t love me, Dad, because you didn’t buy me a toy' – he’s expressing a feeling of disconnection, not a fact. In this case, you don’t need to try to investigate the event, cross-check facts, or validate versions, because such a response disconnects and misses the point.

"The connecting response is an emotional one – 'I see you, and I understand you feel alone.'"

"I agree, I really feel seen when you're with me in my feelings, and not when you're explaining or arguing," said Dana.

"Right. And the way to strengthen is through the correct positioning, where the man must bring his light precisely, be a leader, and create a sense of security, partnership, and visibility. When he positions himself in the role of a child toward his wife, it harms the relationship. Amichai, it’s your place to take responsibility for your positioning."

"When you are with me in my feeling of loneliness, putting work and studies aside, I feel our bond is stronger than anything, and it gives me a sense of security," Dana told him.

"Then it won’t matter if you go to work or school..." I added with a smile. "When you prioritize the connection, it doesn’t mean giving up something, but rather it builds the connection as a foundation. Everything else, such as Torah, work, and hobbies, can support the connection, and won’t become a separating factor. When Dana feels you are with her, then she is open to receiving all the additional things you bring."

"So these aren’t just small gestures, but really being with her, listening and seeing Dana," Amichai said.

"Yes, that’s exactly what I need, to be seen and not disconnected," she replied.

"I’m summarizing for you. The central work is on correct positioning in the relationship and learning the emotional language. This is the key to the success of the connection, and it requires awareness and practice."

"I feel that this is already starting to work on us," Dana said with a smile.

Hanna Dayan [email protected]

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