Navigating Parenting Challenges with a Child Struggling with Self-Regulation

Parents of a child with self-regulation difficulties face a challenge that requires complex coping strategies.

It seems that the child does not respond to their demands, appearing disobedient. Parents often react with anger, warning, and repetitively restating their requests. A common phrase among these parents is, "How many times do I have to tell you?" But how many times, really? The child often doesn’t know either.

It's hard for parents to accept what seems like indifference from their child, especially when it concerns values important to them such as education, obedience, and responsibility.

The impulsive behavior and need for excitement frequently bring the child dangerously close to risky situations. They climb to high places, run, and go wild. Parents fear something bad might happen to them and live with the feeling that they cannot trust them, needing to stay close and ensure their safety at all times. This state of 'readiness' drains their energy and induces stress. In contrast, the child often feels more secure. Generally, a person feels a sense of security when those worried about their well-being, like a parent, are not in panic—similar to a reckless driver feeling in control while someone next to them might be terrified.

At times, negative thoughts about the child and about themselves as parents arise: "It's unpleasant to see him; he proves I’m a terrible parent," or, "I don’t love this child of mine."

When parents think about the future of a child struggling with self-regulation, the images that come to mind evoke panic. The pressure overwhelms them, leading to a web of frustrations and anger directed at the child.

Additionally, reactions, accusations, and comments from the environment stir negative feelings in parents toward both their child and themselves.

When disagreements arise, tensions and anger grow between parents regarding appropriate responses to the child, amplifying feelings of insecurity and uncertainty about the right course of action. As a result, the feeling of helplessness escalates and seemingly gives credence to fears about the future.

It is challenging for any parent to accept the reality of a child with any form of atypicality that is not regarded as positive. A parent must come to terms with it, letting go of the dream of the perfect and "successful" child.

Indeed, parents of a child with self-regulation difficulties are engaged in a long-term role that envelops their entire lives.

Moreover, their behavior throughout life, both toward the child and in the ways the child observes them, serves as a living example that influences the child’s perception. The parents' feelings toward the child and toward themselves affect their bond with the child and the child’s emotional development. Their personal lacks and blocks will impact the child's life, for example—whether they choose to provide the child with treatment or deny it.

How can parents fulfill their role in the best possible way?

Here are points for reflection, ideas, and methods for self-work for parents. It’s important to emphasize that most of these ideas are beneficial for parents of all types of children. That said, their importance seems to rise when it comes to a child with self-regulation difficulties.

Lead by Example

One of the significant ways parents can have a considerable impact on their struggling child is through personal example.

Every child needs a good, educational role model. For children with self-regulation difficulties, the role of personal example is especially crucial. A child who sees a good example of coping with challenges similar to their own learns valuable strategies. They gain ideas they can apply when facing similar obstacles. Therefore, it’s incredibly helpful for every challenge the child faces to be met with positive coping examples from their surroundings. The child can then draw lessons from these examples and internalize appropriate behaviors.

In addition to teaching ways to cope with specific difficulties, the personal example also conveys a general attitude toward challenges and coping strategies. Parents must feel that they are consistently demonstrating concepts such as patience, listening, awareness, emotion recognition, and expression.

However, if the gap between the parent’s behavior and the child’s abilities is too wide, and the personal example demands too much from the child, it won't be effective. An excessively high personal example can have the opposite effect. The child might feel discouraged when they realize how far they are from the desired behavior. They might feel ashamed and inadequate. Due to unpleasant feelings, they may emotionally withdraw and fail to apply the demonstrated behavior.

Thus, the beneficial personal example is one that does not pressure the child and does not require them to exceed their limits. A good personal example will demonstrate to the child that even their parents face challenges and that when that occurs, they don’t give up or stop, but rather work hard to overcome them. For the child to connect with the personal example and be advanced by it, the focus should not only be on achievements and final outcomes but equally on the difficulties encountered along the way. Highlighting the effort involved will encourage the child to value hard work. This way, they too will desire to strive to overcome their challenges.

The book 'ADHD - Understand and Succeed'

Important Messages to Impart to the Child through Personal Example

Acceptance of Reality

The child’s acceptance of themselves and their difficulties depends on their parents’ acceptance. The manner in which the parents received information about their son’s attention difficulties serves as a vital personal example. The child senses how calm their parents are, how they reconcile with reality—or the opposite. It will be incredibly difficult to convince the child to accept their state and come to terms with it if the parents send a contradictory message.

If the parents accept the reality and do not deny it, this will also prevent denial from the child. A personal example will ease the process of accepting the reality of challenges, and the child will not attempt to ignore them.

Coming to Terms with Failure

The successful way to instill in the child that failure is not a disaster and not the end of the world is again—a good personal example. It’s not easy to deal with a child with self-regulation issues, and parents may experience many failures in the process. It’s good to know that even if parents sometimes err in their behavior towards the child, they can still derive benefits and encourage them from that very place. The child learns a lot from how the parent accepts themselves and their mistakes. Parents and educators who occasionally fail to respond appropriately—if they do not sink into the mistake or fear it too much, but rather acknowledge it and continue to engage as needed—convey a crucial message to the child. If the mistake does not lead them to conclude that they are failing educators, but rather they rise and keep moving towards the goal, the child learns not to despair over their own mistakes.

The child frequently experiences feelings of failure; they want to be a good child and do the right thing but fail due to impulsive reactions. The personal example of their parents and educators in their own failures will teach the child not to be afraid of failure. They will learn to rise again, to keep trying, and to invest further.

Combining Firmness and Gentleness

In the book *ADHD - Understand and Succeed*, there is much discussion about the importance of the right approach, which provides the child with closeness and care along with firm boundaries.

In addition to everything outlined in the book, this approach yields a special benefit. It serves as an excellent personal example of combining seeming contradictory emotions and behaviors.

When a parent responds to their child's negative behavior calmly yet strongly, sensitively yet firmly, they convey an important personal example to the child. Using sentences like, "That’s not how we behave; I absolutely do not agree with aggressive behavior,” combined with an understanding of the child’s impulses: "I understand your friend hurt you, and their actions were very inappropriate," teaches the child that it is possible to see both sides of the situation simultaneously. From such an integrated example, the child learns to address their feelings and reactions appropriately.

Listening and Patience

If parents exemplify proper listening, the child will learn to listen to others. When the child seeks to share with the parents what is happening with them, it’s essential to listen and be fully present. Many times, a parent does not have enough patience for the child, especially at times when they are acting inappropriately. To balance those times, it’s crucial to dedicate patience and full attention when communicating at other moments.

Defining Emotions

One of the difficulties the child faces is outbursts resulting from overwhelming emotions. Discussing emotions teaches the child to use emotional language, recognize their feelings and express them. A child living in an environment where emotions are discussed learns to identify their emotions. Influenced by their surroundings, they also allow themselves to experience feelings such as anger, sadness, or disappointment. Awareness of emotions tempers them; defining emotions puts them into perspective. When emotion is understood and accepted, the child is more at ease and can better control themselves, choosing a suitable response. This way, they will succeed more in remembering what is allowed and what is not and act within accepted boundaries.

As expanded upon in previous chapters, the child must be taught theoretically to distinguish between emotion—which is permissible—and an inappropriate practical response. However, there will be little benefit in such education if the personal example of the parent conveys the opposite. For the child to learn to give space to their emotions without exploding, they must see a proper personal example. They need to see visibly how to express anger openly without losing control, hurt without breaking down. If the parents do not know how to express emotions in a measured way, it will be difficult for them to instill control in the child’s reactions.

Steering Clear of Violence

In working with the child, physical punishment should be minimized significantly. Physical punishment teaches the child that using violence is legitimate. They learn to react from physical impulses when things do not go their way. Practically, using violence or force against the child is also not recommended. Aggressive behavior stunts development and forces the child to comply without their genuine consent. In contrast, if the child receives only a firm verbal demand, they must learn to manage themselves properly to comply.

As the child practices transitioning from one state to another on their own and against their will, they learn to operate from choice and develop self-management skills. Additionally, the parent’s personal example will demonstrate how to set firm demands without violence.

Excerpt from the book *ADHD - Understand and Succeed*, awarded the Ministry of Health's Prize in the Book Competition. Soon to be released in English.