Struggling with an Indecisive Partner: What It Really Means

You hear a sigh on the other end of the line.

“Mirit, listen… I really don’t care where we go. Just decide.”

But you already decided the last three times. You chose the place, the plan, the entire date. You’ve been leading everything.

You shift in your chair.

He’s a bit quiet. You can live with that. But this? This is something else.

“So, is there somewhere you’d like to go?” you try again.

“Yeah, there’s a park near my yeshiva, want to go?”

Oh. Finally.

“But actually, you probably won’t like it. Let’s just do whatever you planned.”

Right. Of course.

Why Is It Always Me?

What’s so hard about making a decision?

Why do you always have to take the lead?

It’s not just about choosing where to go. He can’t decide what to order at a restaurant. He doesn’t even take initiative in conversation.

It’s always you.

And it’s exhausting.

Fast Forward to Marriage

You’re standing in the grocery store, holding your phone, trying to make Shabbat plans while the checkout line grows longer.

“Listen, I’m in the middle of shopping. Can we decide what we’re doing for Shabbat? Do you want grilled chicken?”

A faint mumble comes through the phone.

You take a deep breath.

“David, can you just give me an answer?”

“I already told you yesterday. Do whatever you think is best.”

You close your eyes for a moment.

He can drive a person crazy.

You count to ten. You remind yourself of the good. How he came home early yesterday. How he listened to you talk about your difficult day. How he genuinely cares.

But when it comes to decisions… he disappears.

The Confusing Mix of Frustration and Love

“So what do you want?” you try again. “I’ve been standing here for half an hour deciding between cooking or bringing something to your parents.”

“Everything you choose is great. Why should I ruin it?”

And suddenly, it softens.

There’s something touching about it. He trusts you. He values your choices.

You remember how it was even before marriage. He never really said what he preferred. Whatever was good for you was good for him.

And yet, he has so many good qualities.

He listens. He’s present. He supports you. He cares.

He’s not decisive. That’s true.

But he’s yours.

When Imperfection Shows Up

As the relationship grows, something natural happens.

The image of perfection fades.

You start to see the real person. The habits, the differences, the things that annoy you.

And that can feel unsettling.

But here’s the surprising part.

Reaching that stage is actually progress.

It means the relationship is real. It means both of you feel safe enough to be yourselves, without pretending.

So What Do You Do With the Imperfections?

This is the real question.

Because even in the best relationships, there will always be things that are difficult.

Think about couples you admire. The ones who seem happy, stable, connected.

Do you think everything is perfect for them?

If you asked honestly, you’d probably hear a very different story.

They also deal with frustrations. With differences. With things that are not easy.

And yet, they are happy.

What Makes the Difference

A strong relationship is not built on perfection.

It is built on partnership.

On the ability to see the good alongside the challenges.

On talking, listening, and working through what is difficult.

On choosing each other, again and again.

Because love is not about finding a perfect person.

It is about building something real together.

And yes… sometimes it also means deciding where you’re going for Shabbat.

A Final Thought

For some, this kind of trait is a deal breaker. And that is okay.

Every person needs to be honest with themselves about what they can and cannot live with.

But for many, what seems like a flaw can exist alongside something deeply meaningful and good.

The question is not whether your partner is perfect.

The question is whether you are willing to build together, with everything that comes with it.

Nechama Bitkover is the head of the Depth of Relationship institute, specializing in emotional coaching for marriage, and leads a training school for coaches and therapists.