Too Much or Too Little: Finding Balance in Dating

I often hear girls complain that the guys they’re dating aren’t decisive enough.

Baruch Hashem, I never had that problem.

I like taking initiative. I enjoy planning dates, coming up with ideas, leading. I even work part-time while studying, so I can comfortably pay when we sit in a café. In short, I’m doing everything right, and then some.

About a month ago, I was set up with Tamar.

She really is a great girl.

But on our last date, she took me aside and said something I didn’t expect:
“Maybe you’re actually an aggressive person.”

I was stunned.

I don’t see myself that way. I’m not perfect, but I’m a decent guy. I would never hurt someone, especially not her. I couldn’t understand where this was coming from.

Then she explained.

“You’re too decisive,” she said. “You don’t leave space for me. I’m not a child.”

Only later did I realize what she meant.

When Giving Too Much Feels Like Taking Over

Now from the other side.

I met Eli.

Funny, thoughtful, easy to talk to. I genuinely enjoyed being with him.

But from the very beginning, something felt off.

He planned everything.
He chose where we went.
He picked me up without asking.
He paid every time, no matter how much I tried to resist.

At first, it felt nice.

Then it started to feel… overwhelming.

I wanted to be part of it too.

To choose sometimes.
To suggest.
To give.

Even something small, like deciding where we meet or paying for my coffee, matters. Not because of the decision itself, but because of what it represents.

I’m not just along for the ride.
I’m part of the relationship.

After a month, I finally said something.

And his response?

He practically proposed.

The Real Problem Isn’t the Behavior

At first glance, these situations seem opposite.

One man isn’t decisive enough.
The other is too decisive.

But the real issue isn’t the behavior.

It’s the lack of balance and communication.

When one side leads too much, the other feels erased.
When one side doesn’t lead at all, the other feels alone.

In both cases, something essential is missing: shared space.

The Courage to Say What You Feel

Many people feel stuck at this point.

Something bothers them, but they’re afraid to bring it up.
Or they bring it up in a way that creates distance instead of connection.

There’s a big difference between:

“You’re controlling.” and “I feel pushed aside when I’m not included.”

The first creates defense.
The second creates understanding.

Two Simple Rules That Change Everything

If you want to bring something into the relationship in a healthy way, keep two principles in mind.

First, place the issue inside the bigger picture.

This is not “everything is wrong.”
It’s “something small is difficult within something good.”

Second, speak from yourself.

Not accusations.
Not conclusions.
Not labels.

Just your experience.

What you feel.
What you need.
What would help you feel more connected.

For example:

“I really appreciate how much effort you put into planning and how thoughtful you are. At the same time, it’s important for me to feel included, even in small decisions. It helps me feel like we’re building something together.”

That kind of sharing doesn’t weaken the relationship.

It builds it.

Not Perfect, Just Real

No relationship is made of perfect people.

Every person brings strengths and gaps.

The question is not whether something bothers you. It will.

The question is what you do with it.

Do you turn it into criticism and distance?
Or into openness and connection?

Sometimes, the difference between a relationship that grows and one that falls apart is not the problem itself.

It’s the way we choose to speak about it.

A Small Choice That Changes Everything

It’s easier to label, criticize, and protect yourself.

It’s harder to stay open, to share honestly, and to create space for the other.

But that harder path is the one that builds something real.

Because in the end, a strong relationship isn’t about who decides more or less.

It’s about two people learning how to be present, together.

Nechama Bitkover is the head of the "Depth of Relationship" institute, which focuses on emotional coaching for marriage, and manages a school for training coaches and therapists.