Navigating Relationship Dynamics: Finding Your Voice

"I don't know if I'm asking or expecting, but I just want him to see me. When I say that, it sounds like I'm demanding, so I prefer to stay silent," said Racheli.

"And then?", I asked.

"Then I feel frustrated that he's not initiating," she replied.

"I want to, but every time I come close with a new idea or gesture, something stops me. My body tenses up before anything even happens," Avigdor responded.

It's amazing how everyone thinks they're protecting themselves, yet they're actually pushing away the person they want to get closer to the most.

"Let's start from the beginning. Racheli, when you don't ask, what happens inside you?", I inquired.

"I'm scared," she answered.

"Scared of what?", I asked.

"That I'll ask and he won't want to, or that he'll feel I'm pressuring him, and then I'll be in that annoying, forceful side I hate being in," she explained.

"So you'd rather he initiate on his own?", I repeated what she had said earlier.

"Yes, because if he does it on his own, it means I matter to him, that I’m seen," she said.

"And what do you want her to feel when you initiate?", I turned to Avigdor.

"That she's important, that she's desired, and that I see her. But when I imagine myself bringing her an idea, question, or initiative, I suddenly see something different in her eyes – that I’ll suggest something and she’ll be disappointed, or refuse, and immediately I feel my body tense up," he replied.

"Racheli, try to express a request, not from a place of 'do this', but from a place that tells who you are," I urged her.

"If you were to decide to initiate something with me for the coming week, it would make me feel appreciated, like I'm on your mind," Racheli said hesitantly.

"Avigdor, now make a move that doesn’t come from what you want to do, but from how you want her to feel. This is a masculine influence move," I directed Avigdor.

"I see Racheli happy and opening up to me; it feels good just to imagine that," he said.

"This is an internal decision to position yourself as a man, with impact. From this place, try to think of three initiatives. One daily, one weekly, and one monthly," I suggested.

Avigdor thought for a moment.

"Tonight – go for a short walk, this week – we'll go to a restaurant together, and this month – we’ll spend a weekend together. But what if she’s not interested in any of those things?" Avigdor asked curiously. "She’ll be really disappointed; I already know that from past initiatives I’ve proposed," he shared.

"Instead of dropping it on her, you can simply create a menu for her," I replied.

"A menu?", Avigdor asked.

"For example – 'What would you like to do this week? Go for a walk, go to a restaurant, or go to a concert?'" I explained.

"Racheli, let's say you share with him what would make you happiest, and he tells you he doesn't feel like it, that he's tired right now. What happens in your body?", I asked.

"A drop… a feeling of free-falling without a parachute," she answered.

"We're not running away from that fall; we're learning to fall correctly. Close your eyes and let your body feel the fall, without adding any thoughts. Now take a deep breath, and with each exhale imagine there's a parachute opening, slowing your descent. The fall is possible, and it is not dangerous.

"Avigdor, you also need to practice that same fall."

"How?", he asked.

"Before you propose any initiative, imagine the possibility that she might reject you, and let your body feel that moment of falling, then open an imaginary parachute that allows for a gentle landing. When you stop fearing the outcome, you can choose one another. This way, Racheli, you can make a request without dependence, and you, Avigdor, can make an initiative without fear.

"Relationships don’t fall apart from a lack of desire, but from a lack of movement.

"When you ask from your heart, and not from demand, you give him the ability to position himself in his masculine role. When you initiate from a clear emotional vision, you help her firmly set in her feminine role.

"Leave the result behind and surrender to the movement, and this way you will return to being a developing and vibrant couple, not through what needs to be done, but through what feels right now."

Hannah Dayan [email protected]

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