Love with Intent: Navigating Relationships

"We really want to get married, but every time we get close – something holds us back," Jacob began, apologetically. "I’m embarrassed to say this, but I feel she wants to be with me because I’m financially stable and have a home. I’m not sure that if I weren’t like this she would agree to marry me," he added.

"It really bothers me that he's saying I'm here for the money. It's no secret that being financially stable is important and that nobody wants to be in survival mode. I could just as easily say he chooses me because I look good, I'm impressive and desirable, and obviously I won’t look like this forever," Helle said.

At that moment, it was clear to me that they were talking about more than just themselves, but touching on a quiet and painful point that many couples face before marriage.

This is a very delicate point for couples who are not yet married, who still have a strong ideal of love and struggle to confront the dimension of self-interest. They expect a pure and clean connection that stands on its own, and then they suddenly discover that within the desire to get married lurks a much more embarrassing question: What do I get from this relationship?

"I see how this word already evokes resistance, as if it threatens to destroy everything we thought love was supposed to be, yet, let's start with the simple truth. A relationship does not start with perfect love, but with self-interest. Always."

I felt them flinch, because the word "self-interest" sounds so cold, selfish and even contrary to holiness.

"According to the wisdom of Kabbalah, this is not about distant worlds, but precisely about what is happening between you right now. Our world was created from the world of Tohu - a world of great lights and few vessels, powerful desires without the ability to contain, and because of that, a break occurred.

"Relationships start that way: a strong desire not to be alone, to belong, to feel chosen, but the vessels, the ability to contain, the patience, and the true ability to see the other are not really built yet. If there were no self-interest, there would be no beginning. The shell comes before the fruit, and this is not a mistake but the order of creation."

Jacob paused for a moment, as if searching for a way out of this feeling. "So how can we eliminate that self-interest?" he asked.

"The problem only starts when we think that the self-interest must disappear, because it won’t disappear, it needs to be clarified and corrected. So let’s start by figuring out: what does each of you truly seek here?" I asked.

"I feel very alone, not externally, but internally. I need someone who will be with me, stable, who won't shake me too much," Jacob responded.

"This is a very common loneliness among men, a self-imposed loneliness. One that doesn’t need words, but needs commitment, clear boundaries, loyalty, and simplicity."

"I feel like if Jacob isn’t there, I’ll just fall apart," Helle said.

"And then you come to me with all these demands, trying to engineer me into someone else," Jacob retorted angrily.

"Helle, your self-interest is not something you chose, but a deep survival mechanism, because your self-interest is an existential fear, and it creates, on one hand, a very strong love of devotion, dependency, and a demand for presence, and on the other hand, of course, a typical reaction of anger, criticism, and ambivalence in the relationship," I continued.

"Self-interest is not only situated in the heart of each person,but it permeates the entire space of the relationship and influences expectations. All your expectations from the relationship are born from pleasure, from imagination."

"What imagination? Helle asked.

"Not disconnected imagination, but a deep emotional memory. Imaginations of how you saw love at home, and how your self-interest was once fulfilled. The stronger the self-interest, the greater the expectations, and the lower the ability to contain. Those who expect a lot, find it harder to contain.

"Jacob, you expect calm and flow, and find it hard to contain a storm. Helle, you expect depth and intensity, but find it hard to contain boundaries."

"So how do we contain? Jacob asked.

"Containment does not arise from pleasure, but from willingness, patience, and the ability to stay even when it’s uncomfortable. When we develop the ability to contain and work with self-interest in a refined way, we can touch on the future and aspirations of the relationship. When self-interest is not refined, each one builds their own dream. 'I will do', 'I will fulfill', 'self-fulfillment' - separate worlds are created. When self-interest turns into a shared interest of the couple, and it becomes the main interest, it becomes clarified,and then a shared future is created, and we can finally stop fighting about the past."

"The past? Jacob asked.

"When self-interest is not clarified, then the past is also not clarified, and all the heavy burdens take over the space. Then you might hear sentences like: 'We’ve talked about this so many times', 'You’re not really hearing me', 'It’s always the same', and they are the ones managing the relationship."

The room calmed, and something in their struggle sank.

"A relationship does not start with repair, but starts with an acknowledgment of need, without beating yourself up over it or fighting against it," I concluded.

"So it's okay that I need him? Helle asked quietly.

"Not only is it okay, it’s inevitable. A healthy relationship does not erase self-interests, but raises them from the dimension of survival to the dimensions of vision and devotion. Anyone waiting for love without self-interest – is waiting for love that doesn’t begin. But anyone daring to enter a relationship with conscious, spoken and worked-through self-interest, will find that within that shell, slowly, a fruit grows."

Hanna Dayan [email protected]

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