Train a Child His Way: Lessons From the Four Children

Many have wondered about King Solomon’s words (Proverbs 22:6): "Train a child according to his way." Are we really supposed to educate a child according to the inexperienced, unstructured "way" of the child?! Shouldn’t we teach according to the seasoned, clear path of parents and educators!

Now imagine two siblings. In one, you can already spot the signs of stinginess; in the other, the signs of wastefulness. The first keeps everything for himself, stashes away whatever he receives, and refuses to share with any friend or sibling. His brother is the exact opposite: he spends and gives away everything right away, never thinking about the future.

It’s clear that in this family it wouldn’t be right to speak to both children in the same way about the importance of giving to others—just as it wouldn’t be right to address the downsides of wastefulness with both in the same terms. Yes, both kids should hear, in general, about the flaws of these two extremes. But with each child you should strongly emphasize—and help strengthen—what’s weak for that specific child.

That’s exactly how to approach every child: with an educational style that fits their temperament. With a gentle, sensitive child, even a hint of disappointment or disapproval—sometimes just sensing that a parent or teacher isn’t fully pleased—is enough to prompt immediate correction; a scolding would only harm a delicate soul. By contrast, a naturally bold, defiant child needs explicit, detailed guidance in clear words, because a light hint won’t land. Still, even with that child, you generally speak in soft tones that convey love and a desire for their good, as explained below. As Solomon wisely said (Proverbs 25:15): "A gentle tongue can break a bone (a hard bone)." 

The Four Personality Types

Psychology has long wrestled with how many categories capture human character; as many researchers as you ask, that’s how many answers you’ll get. But the One who formed humanity revealed in the Torah, given to humanity at Mount Sinai, that there are four core character types—and each requires a different approach. As laid out in the Haggadah of Pesach: "In response to four children the Torah speaks—one wise, one wicked, one simple, and one who does not know how to ask."

In other words, the reason the Torah commands us to educate our children in four different places—and words it differently each time—is to teach that Hashem created four types of people in the world. And any child who aligns with one of these four categories needs an educational method that’s slightly different from the approach suited to a peer in another category.

Clearly, no child is born wicked. The point is that if we don’t approach a particular child in a way that matches their unique temperament, the end may be that they become wicked, God forbid.

More on the right way to relate to each type, with Hashem’s help, next week.