When Good Parents Face Difficult Children: A Deeper Perspective

I often hear deeply pained parents who gave their children everything — love, warmth, and a caring home, asking how their child became distant, ungrateful, or a source of such deep pain.

A doorway to understanding can be found in the Torah portion, where Yosef is sent from the “Valley of Hebron.” Hebron, as we know, is not actually in a valley. This hints at a “deep counsel” — something beneath the surface, part of a larger divine plan that we can only fully understand once everything comes together, but not while events are unfolding.

At the time, there was immense suffering for everyone involved:

• Yosef endured unbearable trials, being alone, abandoned, enslaved, and imprisoned without justice.

• Yaakov, his father, refused to be comforted, and for 22 years lost his prophetic spirit due to grief.

• The brothers, too, lived with constant guilt over the fracture they caused.

There is no simple explanation of reward and punishment here — only a deeper process at work.

Pain Within the Home

The Talmud (Sotah 10) uses this same idea of a “deep counsel” regarding the story of David and Avshalom. It teaches that “the pain of a rebellious child within a person’s home is harder than the war of Gog and Magog.”

Even here, there is no satisfying explanation. As Rashi explains, this is part of a divine decree. When King Chizkiyahu tried to avoid such suffering by not having children, the prophet Yeshayahu told him he was mistaken. Our role is to do our part by building families and educating our children, but not to calculate heavenly decrees.

A Historical Lens: The Cantonist Decrees

About 200 years ago, the Russian czar enacted a cruel decree, forcibly removing Jewish children from their homes (the Cantonist decrees). These children were thrown into impossible conditions, and the pain reached the heavens.

The Mitteler Rebbe of Chabad wrote extensively to explain the spiritual root of this tragedy. He taught a profound principle: the Jewish people undergo deep spiritual refinements. Some souls are destined to face especially difficult struggles. Their longing and inner yearning are incredibly precious — they remove accusations and bring about deep spiritual repair, revealing hidden holiness.

Our Generation and Its Challenges

In our generation which is the era often described as the “footsteps of the Mashiach,” it sometimes seems that a similar, incomprehensible decree affects some of our children.

Ideally, we must do everything possible to protect them from harm, shame, fear, and rejection. We must create environments where they feel loved, accepted, wanted, and secure, where they can build resilience and faith.

But when there is brokenness or trauma, and the result is difficulty functioning or managing impulses, we need to strengthen ourselves with the awareness that everything ultimately comes from Heaven. Some souls face entirely different kinds of challenges.

The Role of a Parent

Perhaps God cherishes a single sigh from such a struggling soul more than He cherishes even our most elevated prayers.

Our role as parents is not to judge or despair, but to help, through a relationship that is warm, loving, and accepting.

May we succeed in this mission.