Why Children Must Be Allowed to Feel Their Emotions

When a child grows up without being allowed to express or even recognize their emotions, and is expected to suppress or ignore certain feelings, a problem is created. These emotions do not disappear, but are pushed aside and will eventually surface in unhealthy ways.

Of course, we should not simply encourage or validate every emotional reaction, and there are emotions that can lead to problematic behavior, such as anger, fear, or pride. But the first step must always be to acknowledge that there is a real feeling present, and that it deserves attention. The next step is to learn how to relate to that feeling in a healthy way that does not cause harm.

Do Not Dismiss What a Child Feels

When a child feels fear or anger, it is not helpful to dismiss the emotion, belittle it, threaten the child, or cover it with general statements of faith. These reactions do not help the child cope.

The feeling is real and present. If it is ignored, the child learns that their parents are not truly listening, and may begin to think that something is wrong with them for feeling this way.

Over time, the child may develop a kind of emotional mask, a distance from their own inner world and from their parents. This mask blocks connection to their feelings, to their inner vitality, and to their natural sense of joy.

This can be dangerous, because without emotional awareness, the child loses access to important inner resources, including intuition, instincts, and emotional warning signals.

Our role as parents is to listen carefully, validate our children’s emotions, and teach them how to process those feelings in a healthy way, guided by wisdom and clarity. We do not need to agree with everything the child says, but listening and acknowledging their feelings builds resilience and prevents many future struggles.

The Parent’s Inner Work

When parents are not connected to their own emotions, they often fear acknowledging their children’s feelings. This can lead to further difficulties.

Every parent needs moments of pause and reflection. A teaching recorded in Hayom Yom in the name of the Rebbe Rashab states that every Jew has a responsibility to spend time each day thinking about the education of their children, and to do everything in their power, and even beyond their power, to guide their children on the right path.

This kind of reflection is especially necessary in our generation. Our responsibility as parents is to invest time in the relationship and to create an environment that is safe, supportive, authentic, and real.

Challenges in a New Environment

This issue is especially common among parents who are newly religious or immigrants adjusting to a new environment. They are often focused on integrating and learning a new society, and may have less emotional availability to face their children’s struggles.

An example can be found in the plague of wild animals in Egypt. The verse notes that not only did the animals come, but even the ground beneath their feet came with them. A bear or a lion can behave naturally only when standing on familiar ground. When the ground is foreign, they cannot act as themselves.

Similarly, someone in a new and unfamiliar environment is more vulnerable. This makes it even more important to invest extra effort in building a warm and strong relationship with one’s children.