The Secret to Effective Parenting: Teaching Through Example

The Dubno Maggid once asked his teacher, Vilna Gaon, what is the proper way to educate.

The Gaon answered with a parable. When a host wants to distribute wine to many guests, he can pour from the Kiddush cup into each glass one by one, but this takes time. A simpler way, is to place the Kiddush cup in the center, surround it with many small cups, and then pour wine into the main cup until it overflows. The wine will spill out and fill all the surrounding cups on its own.

This is also the way of education. When a teacher or parent is full within themselves, they naturally overflow and influence others. This kind of influence is far more powerful than simply saying “do this” or “don’t do that.”

The Power of Personal Example

Rashi comments on the verse in Parashat Kedoshim: “to warn the adults regarding the children.” This implies that the behavior of adults has the greatest influence on the souls of children. Adults must therefore be careful in their actions.

Rabbi Yitzchak Zilberstein explains that the word “to warn” also relates to “radiance.” The Torah teaches that the greatest influence a person can have is not only by performing a mitzvah, but by doing it with joy.

The more a mitzvah shines, the more it is filled with enthusiasm and happiness, the greater its power to influence both the person themselves and others, even for generations.

The Power of Joy in Mitzvot

Isaac Luria was a towering figure who mastered all areas of Torah. He lived only 38 years, yet achieved spiritual heights that others could not reach even in hundreds of years.

How did he merit this?

Rabbi Israel Meir Kagan writes in the Mishnah Berurah that the Ari himself testified that his greatest spiritual attainment came from the intense joy he experienced in performing mitzvot.

He adds that even the Vilna Gaon would dance with all his strength before the Torah scroll. This is the immense power of joy in mitzvot.

A Living Example of Influence

Rabbi Eliezer Yehuda Finkel once hosted his nephew, Rabbi Nosson Tzvi Finkel, who had grown up in America. He invited him to the Mir Yeshiva in Jerusalem, where he eventually remained for life.

What caused this young boy to stay?

He later shared that he never saw his uncle sleep. Whenever he returned from the yeshiva, his uncle was learning, and when he woke up, his uncle was already immersed in study.

One morning, the young boy decided to stay awake and observe. He witnessed something unforgettable. His uncle approached the shelf of Talmud volumes, went from one to another, and kissed each one. Then he spread his arms, embraced the entire set, and said:

“Dear Talmud, I wish I could learn all of you right now, but what can I do, I am currently holding tractate Yevamot.”

He then took out that tractate and began learning.

This powerful moment gave the young boy the strength to dedicate his life to Torah. He absorbed his uncle’s love of Torah, gave up a promising future in sports, and eventually became a great Torah leader himself.

True education does not come primarily from words, but from what we are. When we live with depth, joy, and authenticity, our influence flows naturally and powerfully into the lives of our children.