How to Handle a Child Who Lies: A Torah Based Parenting Approach

Parashat Beha’alotcha teaches us about the importance of speech and the responsibility we carry for the words that leave our mouths.

The story of Miriam, who spoke negatively about Moshe and was punished with leprosy (tzaraat), shows how important it is to guard our speech (Bamidbar 12). This episode highlights both the power of words and the serious consequences that can result from misusing them.

How to Respond When a Child Lies

Rabbi Yisraelson shared a story that illustrates this idea.

One night, around midnight, a married Torah scholar called him with an urgent question. He had discovered that his nine-year-old son had been lying to him for some time about a certain issue. The father was angry and did not know how to respond. He considered asking Rabbi Aharon Leib Shteinman for guidance.

The rabbi listened and responded in a very calming way:

“Does the father himself never lie? If the son lies, perhaps he has learned a little from his father. Most of us are touched by untruth to some degree. Do not punish him harshly. Instead, show the child that he has been caught in the lie, and teach him that lying is not worthwhile.”

This story teaches several important lessons.

Understanding and Empathy

All of us make mistakes sometimes, including parents. Children often learn from the behavior they see at home.

Education Rather Than Harsh Punishment

Instead of reacting with severe punishment, it is often better to help the child understand that the lie has been discovered and to explain its consequences.

The fact that the child has been exposed in the lie is already an unpleasant and powerful experience, especially if lying is not a regular habit. In many cases, that experience itself is enough of a consequence.

Taking Lies Seriously

Although today’s methods of discipline differ from the past, dishonesty still needs to be taken seriously. Children need to understand the seriousness of lying and the damage it can cause.

How to Address Lying

It is important to instill values of honesty and integrity from a young age. This is best done through personal example, positive reinforcement when the child tells the truth, and open conversations about the importance of trust and honesty.

One effective approach is to learn together, whether at the Shabbat table or at another opportunity, about the value of truthful speech and the harm caused by dishonesty.

When children see that their parents and the people around them live by these values, they internalize their importance and are less likely to lie.

This week’s story of Miriam can be used to show just how serious negative speech and falsehood can be. Our words have the power to build and to destroy, and therefore must be used wisely.

Whether it is a child’s lie or an adult’s harmful speech, our task is always to seek ways to improve behavior with patience, wisdom, and understanding.