Skip the Power Struggles: How to Respond When Your Child Says "No"

A child experiences the parent’s inner attitude and responds to it far more than to the words they actually hear. Because of this, it is important to first examine how the parent themselves experiences the child’s refusal.

Does the child’s resistance intimidate the parent?
Does it make them feel helpless?
Does it shake their sense of parental authority?

A parent should remember that the child standing before them needs a stable figure by their side, who is not frightened by them and does not try to simply please them, but who can set limits and stop them when necessary, while also allowing, loving, and containing them.

When a child says, “I don’t want to,” they are not necessarily trying to start a power struggle with the parent. At their core, children seek what feels good and naturally want what is enjoyable in the moment. So the response “I don’t want to” often really means, “I want something else right now.”

Responding with Calm and Firm Guidance

For example, if a mother calls her child to get ready for bed, and the child firmly refuses: “I don’t want to.”

Instead of immediately turning this into a battle, the parent can respond simply and firmly:
“What do you want?”

Then truly listen and give space to the child’s desire.

The child may say, “I want to keep playing with my Lego.”

The parent is not denying that desire. Instead, they are respecting it, while also teaching the child that there is another need that the child may not yet be aware of — to rest and regain strength for the next day.

When a child feels that the parent is not entering into a power struggle, but is instead approaching them with understanding and calm firmness, and gently guides them with a clear message such as, “And now it’s time to go to sleep,” the child is much more likely to want to be led by the parent and follow their guidance.

Based on the approach of Meytal Medi, coach and therapeutic parenting guide for personal, marital, and family growth.