“Just Try Harder”: Rethinking Motivation in Parenting

“If you really wanted to, you could. The fact is, when you do want something, you know how to manage just fine. That means you can do it — you just don’t want it enough.”

Do you recognize this sentence? Many parents use it as proof that the child is simply being lazy, hoping it will push the child to try harder. Let’s pause and look at this idea more deeply.

Extraordinary Moments vs. Daily Ability

I once heard a striking real story. A car rolled backward and trapped the leg of a small child standing nearby. The mother saw her son pinned beneath the car and, in that moment of terror, lifted the car with her own hands to save him.

A true story about an ordinary mother.

Now imagine that the next day someone offered her a job at the local tire shop lifting cars. She would obviously refuse.

Why? Because in that one emergency moment, faced with her child’s screams, she was filled with extraordinary strength. However, that does not mean she can lift cars in everyday life. It was a one time surge of power created by an extreme situation.

The Torah Gives a Similar Example

We find a similar idea in this week’s Torah portion, when Yaakov single handedly rolled a huge stone away from the well.

Rabbi Chaim Shmuelevitz explained that this was not merely physical strength. The key lies in the words used in the prayer for rain, where we mention Yaakov and say that he “unified his heart and rolled the stone from the mouth of the well.”

The power came from inner focus, necessity, and total emotional alignment.

As Rabbi Shmuelevitz writes, this force exists in every person. When something feels urgent and deeply necessary, a person can access strength far beyond their usual capacity.

What This Means in Parenting

Returning to parenting: when there is an immediate reward, excitement, or emotional urgency, a child may suddenly function beyond their normal abilities.

However, this does not define what they can consistently do on an ordinary day.

For example, if a child wakes up early for a school trip, that does not automatically mean they are capable of maintaining that same schedule every morning during a regular routine.

It is not fair to point to that exceptional moment and say, “See? You can do it when you want to.”

This approach can also be harmful. If the child takes our words seriously, they may conclude that the problem is not difficulty but that something is wrong with them. They may begin to think: Maybe I really am lazy or not serious.

That can lead to discouragement and even despair.

Encouragement Must Be Balanced

This does not mean parents should not encourage or motivate. On the contrary, encouragement is absolutely part of our role.

Just as the sages describe an angel that strikes each blade of grass and says, “Grow,” we too are meant to help our children grow.

But children are not grass. They are souls. And when dealing with souls, we must be extremely careful not to wound them.

Every form of criticism or pushback must be softened with abundant warmth, acceptance, and closeness.

Only a child who feels loved, valued, capable, and appreciated gains the inner strength needed to receive feedback in a healthy way.

Some children are especially sensitive, and with them we need even greater care.

That means filtering out problematic phrases that may sound motivating but can return like a boomerang and cause emotional harm.

May we always merit to be good and empowering guides in our children’s journey.