The Secret to Motivating Kids: Insights From Rabbi Edelstein

A question was once asked of Rabbi Gershon Edelstein zt"l: How should parents respond to children who struggle with time, go to sleep late, and wake up late? How strict should we be about prayer times and responsibilities?

His answer was clear. Only through gentle means. Not through pressure. Not through constant reminders. A child already knows what is right. Our role is to encourage and awaken their inner motivation, not to force it.

This approach teaches us a powerful principle in parenting, especially when raising children with attention challenges, such as ADHD.

Two Types of Motivation

Every person is driven by two types of motivation.

One comes from within, a natural desire to act. The other comes from a sense of obligation, doing something because it must be done.

When a child is pushed too much, they begin to rely heavily on obligation. Over time, this can lead to resistance, frustration, and even a dislike for the very things they are expected to do.

In some cases, it can go even further, creating difficulty with commitment in general.

The goal is not to eliminate responsibility. It is to help the child connect their inner desire with what is required of them.

Helping Children Want What They Need

Life includes responsibilities, and children must learn to handle them.

But there is a big difference between feeling forced and feeling willing. When a child experiences expectations as supportive and meaningful, rather than restrictive, they are more likely to cooperate.

The goal is to help children feel that what they “need” to do is not against them, but actually helps them grow and succeed.

When that connection is made, resistance decreases and motivation increases.

Listen Before You Guide

One of the most important steps is to truly listen.

What does the child want? What are they thinking? What matters to them in that moment?

For this kind of conversation to happen, we need to move away from judgment. Children are not simply looking for comfort or avoidance. Even when their behavior is not ideal, the underlying intention is often positive.

When most conversations focus only on what needs to be done, children can feel that there is no space for their own thoughts and feelings. Over time, they may begin to see their own desires as something negative.

Creating space for open conversation, where children feel heard and respected, helps build trust and connection. Listening does not mean agreeing. It means allowing the child to feel understood.

Respect the Child as a Whole Person

Children are not incomplete adults. They are individuals with their own inner world.

What matters to them feels just as important as what matters to us. When we ask a child to stop playing and take a bath, for example, we are asking them to pause something that feels meaningful to them.

Acknowledging that matters.

When children feel that their world is respected, they are more open to cooperation. Giving them choices in certain areas, even small ones, can strengthen their sense of independence and confidence.

Set Boundaries With Confidence

Children need boundaries. Without them, they can feel lost.

But boundaries should not feel like punishment. They should feel like guidance.

When parents set limits with clarity and calmness, children are more likely to accept them. It is important for parents to feel confident in their decisions, even when the child is not happy about them.

Explaining the reasoning behind a boundary can also help. The child may not agree, but they can begin to understand that the decision comes from care, not control.

Turning Limits Into Growth

When children experience boundaries as supportive rather than restrictive, something shifts.

They begin to see structure not as something that holds them back, but as something that helps them succeed.

Over time, this builds a healthier relationship with responsibility, one that is not based on pressure, but on understanding and internal motivation.

A More Effective Approach to Parenting

Raising children, especially those with attention challenges, requires patience and awareness.

Gentle guidance, listening, respect, and clear boundaries work together to create a balanced approach. Instead of pushing children from the outside, we help them grow from within.

And when that happens, the results are not only better behavior, but stronger, more confident children.