How to Build Your Child’s Self-Esteem: The Coin Method for Parents

Richard Lavoie is an American educator, lecturer, and author in the field of education, widely known for his work on motivation and behavior within the school system. He became especially well known for the method he developed known as the “coin method” — a powerful and important approach that every parent should know.

At its core, the method teaches that a child’s self-esteem can be understood as a savings bank filled with coins. The number of coins in that inner bank reflects the level of the child’s self-worth. When a child has many coins, it means their self-esteem is strong. When there are only a few, their sense of self is fragile and low.

Self-esteem is often an abstract concept, something difficult to measure or even fully grasp. But when we translate it into something tangible and valuable, like coins, it becomes much easier to understand what a child needs emotionally.

Why Some Children Take Risks and Others Withdraw

Imagine two boys sitting in class: David and Jonathan. Jonathan is loaded with coins, because many positive things in life have filled his inner savings bank. He is the most popular boy in class, a soccer champion, his picture was published in the school bulletin, he earns top grades on every exam, his parents give him warmth and love, and he even has the newest bicycle. Every one of these experiences adds more “coins” to his sense of worth.

Because his bank is so full, even when something embarrassing happens, such as spilling a drink at a friend’s celebration or getting a noticeable cut on his face, it does not shake him too deeply. He may lose a few coins, but thousands still remain.

Now compare him to David, a child with learning difficulties, very few friends, and little warmth or affection at home. His emotional bank contains only a handful of coins.

When the teacher asks a question, Jonathan feels safe enough to answer, even if he is unsure. If he is wrong, it costs him very little. David, however, may know the answer almost for certain, but he does not dare speak. He cannot risk losing the few coins he has left, especially when he already expects to face humiliation later in the day.

This is the deeper emotional reality behind many children’s behavior. Some children are simply trying to protect the few coins left in their emotional savings account.

How Parents Can Add More Coins

Many children avoid challenges, refuse social situations, or stay away from anything that feels risky. They are not lazy or difficult, but are trying not to lose what little self-worth they still possess.

Our role as parents is to continuously fill their emotional bank with coins, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

Practically speaking, this begins with identifying what our child does well and giving them opportunities to succeed in it. Every successful experience adds bright, valuable coins to their inner world.

A father intentionally created a meaningful task for his teenage son each Friday by loosening screws in furniture so the boy could come home and “repair” them. Afterward, the parents showered him with admiration and appreciation: What would we do without you? You have golden hands. The house stands because of you. Those words became emotional currency that carried him through the entire week.

This is especially true for teenagers, who need tens of thousands of emotional “coins” just to survive the challenges of adolescence.

Sometimes, however, it is not the parents who take away the coins. Sometimes there are “coin thieves” along the way, including teachers, peers, neighbors, or other well-meaning people whose words wound and diminish. The parent’s role is to protect the child from those losses as much as possible.

Start the Day With Emotional Gold

Coins can be added from the very start of the day. Waking a child with a smile and a kind word, preparing their favorite clothes, making a sandwich they enjoy, sitting with them for a warm drink, giving a hug and a kiss, all add more coins.

By the time the child leaves home, they may already be emotionally strengthened for the day ahead.

When a child refuses school, avoids inviting friends, or says things like my stomach hurts, often what they are really saying is: I do not have enough coins today to face life. Our task is to make sure the child goes to sleep with more coins than they had when they woke up.

If we lost patience, criticized, or hurt them during the day, then we must remember to repair it, and to apologize, hug them, and restore at least some of the coins we took away.

Every word of praise, warmth, and validation becomes emotional gold in the heart of the people we love.