Helping Children Cope With Feelings Through Emotional Intelligence and Faith

Concepts from the Torah and Chassidut can help us broaden our understanding and the way we perceive reality, even in complex and challenging situations.

One of the foundational ideas in Chassidic thought is the principle of identifying the point of light and goodness even within situations that feel like darkness and concealment. This concept is known as “refinement” (birur) or the gathering of “sparks.”

In the emotional world, this can be understood as a powerful tool for recognizing and coping with difficult feelings such as anger, fear, anxiety, and other emotions that naturally arise in all of us.

Children often stand helpless in the face of emotions like these, which they may experience very intensely, without knowing what to do or how to cope. In the early stages of life, they are still learning to recognize the world of emotions, and they certainly do not yet have the tools to regulate them.

Supporting a Child in the Moment of Distress

When a child is in such a state, instead of responding with anger, criticism, or impatience — which only increases their distress, we have an opportunity, as adults, to contain the child in that moment and then, together with them, engage in a kind of “emotional refinement” regarding the feeling.

At first, it is best simply to allow the child to express the emotion, as much as possible — provided, of course, that they are not harming themselves or those around them. At this stage, our role is to offer help and support through presence, a hug, or any other comforting form of reassurance. It is generally neither helpful nor truly possible to try to talk things through with the child at the peak of the emotion.

Once the child has calmed down and the intensity of the feeling has lessened, an entire world of possibilities opens up for conversation. We can help the child recognize the emotion, understand which coping strategies are right for them, and begin to explore why and under what circumstances the emotion arose.

Discovering the Gift Within the Feeling

One helpful approach is to ask the child what positive thing this feeling may be bringing or awakening within them. What is the “gift” that this emotion, even though it feels negative, may actually be offering?

Understanding the gift within the emotion teaches the child how to continue doing this independently in the future and helps them develop a positive way of thinking in other areas of life as well.

Here, science and Chassidic wisdom meet. A child who learns the principle “Think good, and it will be good” is actually developing a profoundly important ability known as emotional intelligence, which research also shows contributes greatly to success in many areas of adult life.

For example, when dealing with fear, you might ask the child in a shared conversation: What positive things do we gain because of fear?

Possible answers might include:

• It awakens us to check whether there is a real danger and to do our best to protect ourselves.

• It encourages us to learn and understand the facts and the reality more clearly regarding the issue causing the fear.

• And, of course, it reminds us to strengthen our trust and faith that we are guided and watched over by God.

A conversation like this can be beautifully concluded by creating a list together with the child of what might help them cope with the emotion.

You can even create a visual board with pictures and other creative tools. Anything the child actively helps create will significantly increase the likelihood that the ideas will be applied and internalized.

In ongoing situations that interfere with daily functioning, it is recommended and worthwhile to seek professional help.