Balancing Boundaries and Connection: Bringing Children Closer With Wisdom and Love

“Love of Israel,” “bringing the distant close,” “bringing merit to the public,” “mutual responsibility,” and “unity” are all lofty and elevated ideals that we all identify with. When there is so much darkness and confusion outside, there are also many who feel distant and in need of being drawn closer.

Yet when it comes to putting these high ideals into practice, there are different — and sometimes even opposing — approaches.

One approach says that first and foremost, we must preserve our own spiritual clarity and pure outlook. Therefore, we are obligated to build a kind of Noah’s Ark for ourselves: to safeguard the pure flask of oil, strengthen the walls around us, distance ourselves from harmful influences, and be cautious about connections that might negatively affect us through exposure to those who are confused or spiritually lost. This approach emphasizes boundaries, fences, and distance as forms of protection.

On the other hand, there is another approach.

Just as our sages described as a “pious fool” someone who refrains from saving lives because of self-centered considerations, so too one might describe as mistaken someone who avoids helping others spiritually while remaining complacent about their own personal spiritual state, all while ignoring a fellow Jew who is “drilling a hole in the shared boat.”

According to this view, it is our duty to draw those who are distant closer with all our strength, and through our efforts to help others, we may ultimately help save ourselves as well.

The Balance Between Protection and Influence

Both approaches have sources, proofs, and practical methods. Both approaches also contain dangers and distortions.

Both sides can tell horror stories about the failures of the other approach — and in truth, “all paths carry risk.” The tension between these perspectives can itself create a healthy balance.

There are people who naturally align more with one approach than the other. There are also times and circumstances in which it is necessary to lean more toward one side.

As King Solomon writes, there is “a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.”

Fortunate is the person who reflects deeply, examines their own actions, creates healthy safeguards for themselves, yet acts from genuine love for fellow Jews, with a prayer on their lips that they merit always to do the will of God.

Just as the Red Heifer purifies the impure yet also renders the pure impure, so too the sacred work of bringing others close requires constant caution: not to become negatively influenced, to elevate the material rather than lower the holy, to see the point of goodness within every Jew, and to draw even those who may seem far away with cords of love. Our task is to bring them as close to the light as our hands can reach.

And what about the danger that we ourselves may be influenced?

Here our sages revealed a great principle — originally said in the context of purging utensils: “Since one is occupied with expelling, one does not absorb.”

In other words, one who is fully engaged in giving influence is less likely to be influenced.

Our Greatest Responsibility: Our Own Children

When it comes to bringing distant Jews closer, one may debate how much responsibility rests upon each of us. Every person should reflect honestly and consult their rabbinic guidance regarding how much they should sacrifice in order to help others.

When it comes to our own children however, it seems there is far less room for debate. We have a clear responsibility, and the guidance from the great Torah leaders is unequivocal.

Distancing children does not only endanger their spiritual future, but it can also harm their emotional and even physical well-being. This is a serious danger that can undermine an entire home.

At the same time, it is essential to know that it is always possible to bring them closer — through a set of tools that is adapted, cautious, and deeply sensitive.

If we define this as a family mission, and learn the relevant tools taught by the great Torah leaders for such situations, we truly have the ability to save souls.