Why Children Stop Sharing With Parents and How to Rebuild Trust

Sometimes, as parents, we find ourselves confused by our child’s behavior and we look for someone to show us the way. In truth however, with a little willingness to look inward, and into our own subconscious patterns, we may discover that through our own behavior — and by adopting mistaken assumptions, we may be helping to create this very behavior in our children. In such instances, the focus may need to shift from the child to ourselves as parents.

When I, as a parent, want to become part of my child’s inner world, it requires me to put myself aside — everything I think and understand about how one should think correctly, how one should speak, or how one should respond. I must focus only on how things are experienced through the child’s eyes, and set aside every trace of judgment or criticism — both my criticism of myself and my criticism of the child. My need for sharing should exist only for the sake of creating those moments of connection with my child from a deep emotional and inner place.

Why Children Stop Sharing

What really prevents this from happening? If my need for my child to share with me comes from a desire to closely monitor what they are doing, to track the interactions they are having, and to steer them in what I believe is the “right” direction, then I am preventing the possibility of genuine connection. This does not mean that I am unable to express my personal opinion. But it does mean that I must respect my child’s opinion even when I disagree with it.

In the short term, even if their perspective turns out to be mistaken and reality eventually proves otherwise, the immediate emotional effect is that the child feels we trust them and believe in them.

When my parental need for sharing is really intended to provide me with reassurance — that the child is behaving as expected, always making the right decisions, and not creating unnecessary crises for themselves or for me, it blocks their desire to share. At a subconscious level, the child begins to feel: “They don’t believe in me.”

When I, as a parent, try to create my own sense of calm or security through monitoring my child’s behavior, while disguising it as a desire for openness, I end up creating communication that feels investigative. I ask too many questions. I probe: with whom, about what, and why. I cast doubt on the child’s decisions and desires.

Building Trust Through Listening and Guidance

True sharing, at its best, begins with active listening. This requires putting aside all my opinions and reactions, and instead looking for every possible place where I can offer support and validation for the child’s process.

If I later find a place to guide or direct in what seems more correct to me as a parent, I can do so in the second stage. This is, in essence, the stage of guidance, which comes only after the first stage of joining.

Only after I earn my child’s trust will a doorway open, allowing them to let me into their world and share what they are experiencing.

Children want to share. Very often, what stops them is the feeling that someone will oppose their path and block it simply because it does not look right through another person’s eyes.

None of us like to feel that our opinion is not respected, or that it has no place among the opinions that are considered more important than our own. On the other hand, all of us enjoy sharing ideas and thoughts when we feel they have been given space and value, and when we receive reassurance that what we have to say is worthy of being heard.

Therefore, what ultimately determines the degree to which a child is willing to share — or unwilling to do so, is the question: Why is it important to us that they share with us?

Only when the answer is rooted in complete honesty will the child feel it, and open the closed chambers of their heart to us.

Inbal Elhayani, M.A., is a certified therapist in NLP, mindfulness, and guided imagery, as well as a writer and lecturer in the field.