The Secret to Positive Parenting: Focus on Your Child’s Strengths

Parenting is a way of life, not merely a role. Every day, in every moment, we are called upon to make choices of how to relate to our children, where to place our emphasis, what to support, and what to encourage. It is up to us whether to focus on what is missing or on what is present, whether to see the empty half of the cup or the full half. Should we dwell on a child’s shortcomings, or focus on their strengths? When is there room for unconditional giving, and when should we expect reciprocity?

Mordechai and Haman embody two opposite approaches to life, both of which are also relevant to parenting. Haman was enormously wealthy, in possessions and in status. Yet all of this meant nothing to him when he saw that Mordechai would not bow to him. In contrast, Mordechai used his closeness to the palace to initiate help for anyone in need. Not everyone was pleased with him, yet the Megillah emphasizes that he sought the good of his people and spoke peace to all their descendants.

Life presents all of us with challenges and obstacles, as well as successes and achievements. The choice is ours to focus on what we have or on what we lack, to see the half-full cup or the half-empty one.

Three Approaches to Life

There are three basic attitudes:

The poor in spirit focuses only on what is missing and forgets what is already present. This negative outlook prevents gratitude and leads to constant dissatisfaction. Haman, despite his wealth, was poor in spirit: instead of noticing all those who bowed before him, he focused entirely on the one person who did not.

The drunk in spirit stands at the opposite extreme. This person sees only what is present and ignores what is lacking. It is an exaggerated “giver” mindset that lacks proportion and can prevent growth, learning, and realistic self-awareness.

The rich in spirit is the one who balances the empty and full halves correctly. This person is aware of what is lacking, but consciously chooses to appreciate what is already there and to be joyful with their portion.

The Poor Parent, the Overindulgent Parent, and the Balanced Parent

A poor parent sees only what is wrong with the child. Their starting point is that the child should behave perfectly, and therefore they are constantly focused on problems and flaws. Small successes are minimized because they seem insignificant compared to what still needs fixing.

A drunk parent cannot see the child’s weaknesses, especially when those weaknesses do not directly affect them. This parent becomes overly protective and tends to blame others instead of acknowledging the child’s need for growth.

A rich parent rejoices in their child. They love the child as they are, while still being able to recognize what needs improvement and encourage growth. This parent is able to hold two opposites at once: joy in the child’s present state and encouragement toward change.

For example, if a child consistently comes home late, the parent can simultaneously understand the child’s perspective — “I’ve been doing what I’m supposed to all day; I deserve some time for myself” — while also holding the parental perspective — “These repeated delays cannot continue.” Holding both perspectives together teaches the child the art of integration and compromise.

Rejoicing in What You Already Have

The text then applies this principle to parenting: just as one should be joyful with one’s own portion, so too we must learn to rejoice in our children—even in their small successes. Even small achievements should be genuinely celebrated, because this joy encourages the child to continue striving and growing.

Abundance creates abundance. When parents notice and truly rejoice in the child’s successes, they help cultivate more confidence, effort, and growth.

Generosity Creates Inner Wealth

A good eye — an attitude of generosity and joy in what is present, is described as the foundation of unity and relationship. Practically, this means learning to release our own need for control and to make genuine space for the child’s perspective.

This requires inner abundance. A parent must also care for their own emotional needs so that they have the inner fullness required to make space for the child.

Three Types of Relationship With a Child

A giver relationship emphasizes unconditional love and giving. The parent’s response does not depend on the child’s behavior but flows from the parent’s conscious choice.

A receiver relationship is based on reciprocity: if they give, they receive. In this model, the child’s behavior determines the parent’s response.

An integrated relationship combines both. The parent wishes to give independently of behavior, while also teaching fairness and reciprocity when appropriate.

How to Apply This in Daily Parenting

Focus on what you and your children already have, and rejoice in small successes. Before responding to negative behavior, pause and first look for the child’s positive qualities.

Talk with the child about their inner experience, listening without judgment so you can understand their point of view.

Set aside regular quality time in which you focus on the child’s strengths and encourage them. And above all, leave room for warmth, kindness, and positive regard, even when the child’s behavior does not seem to justify it.

Your freedom to choose what to focus on, and your ability to respond with generosity even when it is not “deserved,” are among the deepest expressions of the divine image within you.