Can You Really Build a Bridge with Your Daughter-in-Law?

Have you ever met that warm, caring woman who speaks with a heavy heart about the distance between her and her daughter-in-law who lives abroad?

The daughter-in-law rarely calls. The mother-in-law also avoids calling. Sometimes, she even hesitates to bring her onto the line when speaking with her grandchildren.

A quiet distance forms between two women who share something deeply meaningful: the same son, the same husband.

And then, after reading these words, a thoughtful daughter-in-law reached out to me and said, “I want to share my side.”

She described experiencing her mother-in-law as intrusive, asking questions that feel too personal. Then she added something important: “Maybe there’s a reason the daughter-in-law isn’t calling. Maybe there’s something the mother-in-law needs to change.”

Seeing Both Sides

She may be right.

There are times when the mother-in-law does need to make a change. But that raises a difficult question. How do you tell someone that their behavior is hard for you? How do you help someone change if they are not asking for help?

As I have written before, real change begins only when a person becomes aware that something needs to shift in their relationships.

Change happens within the one who is ready for it.

In this case, the one who recognizes the need for change is likely the one reading these words.

Crossing the Distance

So how do we close the gap? How do we cross the distance that has formed?

To move from one side to the other, you need a bridge.

And building a bridge always requires effort.

Who Builds the Bridge

There are two ways a bridge can be built.

The first is when one side takes the initiative. The one who values the relationship, believes it is worth preserving, and is willing to invest the effort becomes the builder.

The second is when both sides build together. Each one moves forward from their own side, and somewhere in the middle, they meet.

Building With Sensitivity

Building a physical bridge is simple. Materials like stone and metal do not feel anything. If something is misplaced, it can easily be adjusted.

But building a bridge between people is far more delicate.

You cannot simply place the other person where you want them to be. People have feelings, needs, and boundaries. You must be attentive to where the other person is standing and build with sensitivity, step by step.

Ideally, both sides are involved in the process.

Each person reflects on what is difficult for them in the relationship and works to strengthen what needs support. This may include learning to accept differences, setting healthy boundaries, or finding new ways to communicate.

A bridge built from these elements can withstand even strong winds and difficult moments.

When Only One Side Tries

But what happens when only one side is willing to build?

When one person wants the relationship, and the other remains distant?

That is a different kind of challenge.

And it is something we will explore next time.

Sarah Langzam is a parent group facilitator, emotional counselor using the One Brain method, and a guide for mothers of married children.