Why Is It So Hard to Check In with Your Daughter-in-Law

This may sound familiar. Your friend Rachel hasn’t called you in a long time.

What do you do?

Do you pick up the phone and check in, just to see how she’s doing?

Or does it not feel that important, and you simply move on with your day?

When It’s Not Just a Friend

One evening, as I was leaving a friend’s daughter’s wedding, I ran into another friend on the street. We exchanged a few words, caught up briefly, and as often happens, the conversation quickly turned to our children, especially the married ones.

After I told her about the workshops I lead, focused on building peace between mothers and their married children, she shared something that had been weighing on her.

One of her sons lives abroad, which means she doesn’t get to see her grandchildren often, not even once a month. She makes an effort to stay connected, sending gifts for every holiday, Chanukah, Purim, and more. Recently, her grandson called to thank her for a gift she had sent.

“But the daughter-in-law?” she said. “She never comes to the phone to talk to me.”

It hurts her. She doesn’t understand it. And she’s left wondering why her daughter-in-law behaves this way.

A Simple Question

“What do you make of that?” she asked me.

“When you ask your grandson to call his mother so you can speak with her,” I asked, “does she come to the phone then?”

She paused, surprised.

“Do you think that’s the right thing to do?” she asked.

At that moment, my phone rang. I simply answered, “Why not?” and we went our separate ways.

Why Does It Feel So Complicated?

Later, I kept thinking about our conversation.

Why does something as simple and natural as a quick check-in call become so complicated when it comes to a daughter-in-law?

Why is it easy with a friend, but suddenly so loaded in this relationship?

I decided to ask.

What Others Are Saying

I reached out to women who follow my writing and asked whether they experience similar challenges with their daughters-in-law. I also wondered whether they feel the same hesitation when it comes to friends.

To my surprise, some of the responses came from young mothers, women who don’t yet have married children.

Women who are currently daughters-in-law themselves.

They described caring deeply about their relationship with their mothers-in-law, while also thinking ahead to the day they will be in that role. In a sense, they are already preparing, learning, and reflecting on how to build these relationships in a healthier way.

They offered thoughtful and honest perspectives on the very challenge my friend raised.

A Conversation to Continue

So what did they say?

I’ll share their responses next time, with Hashem’s help.

And what about you?

What do you think, as a mother-in-law, as a daughter-in-law, or perhaps as both?

Sarah Langzam is a parents’ group facilitator, an emotional counselor using the One Brain method, and a facilitator of guidance groups for mothers of married children.