When Your Child Sees You as the Enemy: A Powerful Parenting Wake-Up Call

A father once called me with an unusual and troubling question. He had been shocked to discover that his son referred to him on the phone as “a narrow man and an enemy,” and he wanted advice on how to respond. It’s a difficult question that feels especially relevant during these days of mourning for the destruction of Jerusalem.

From Narrowness to Expansion: Understanding the Deeper Idea

I suggested beginning with a broader perspective. Our sages teach that “Tyre was only built from the ruins of Jerusalem.” We might ask: there are many great cities in the world — why is Tyre specifically chosen to represent the opposite of Jerusalem? Why not Sidon, Beirut, Rome, or Venice?

The word tzar (narrow) does not only describe something tight or constricted in a physical sense — it represents limitation, boundaries, and restriction. I once heard a beautiful explanation: this world is, by definition, a place of limitation and boundaries, whereas the World to Come is expansive, infinite, and without limits. As it says in Tehillim, “From the narrow place I called out to God, and He answered me with expansiveness.”

Jerusalem itself is a physical place, surrounded by walls and boundaries, yet it represents transcendence — something beyond limitation. Our sages even said, “No one ever complained that there was not enough space in Jerusalem.” In Jerusalem, the boundaries seem to blur, touching something infinite. It is a place where the physical meets the spiritual, where one can glimpse something beyond the limits of this world.

When Jerusalem is destroyed, Tyre — representing constriction, rises. Boundaries become tighter, more rigid, more confining. But when Jerusalem is rebuilt, we move beyond those constraints, and we expand.

What Your Child Might Be Telling You

What is true in geography is also true in the human soul. There is such a thing as an “ish tzar” — a person who operates from rigidity, strictness, and limitation. If your child sees you that way, there is a deeper issue at play.

Yes, you could respond with discipline, protest, or punishment, as the child’s behavior is indeed inappropriate. However, that approach will not address the root of the problem, nor will it prevent the child from continuing to feel this way internally. Whether or not your son consciously meant all of this, you may have received an important signal: perhaps your relationship with him leans too heavily toward strictness and limitation.

In a generation where temptations are everywhere and outside influences are powerful, children need more kindness, more compassion, and more emotional connection. As a parent, you represent something far greater than yourself. It is crucial that what you represent feels good, safe, and inviting to your child. That sense of warmth is what allows a child to connect to you, to your values, and ultimately to make better choices.

The Path Forward: Leading with Love

This is a message for every parent. In our time, it is essential to lean more toward kindness. That is what builds connection, resilience, and protection against the pressures of a world that often feels restrictive and overwhelming. As our sages taught: “Love people, and draw them close to Torah.”

If you want to bring your child closer to values, meaning, and to something higher, that is wonderful. But there is one condition: the child must feel loved. That love is the central axis around which everything turns. It may require holding back at times, going along with things, or creating moments of genuine connection. Because once your child no longer sees you as an adversary, real influence becomes possible.

Through warmth, trust, and connection, you open the door, not only to guidance, but to a glimpse of something beyond the narrow constraints of this world. And that is what gives a child strength, confidence, and hope in everything you represent.