Why Your Child Isn’t “There Yet”: Understanding Hidden Emotional Development

When you are a mother, you are given a rare glimpse into a wondrous world where human beings are created. You witness the miracle of life unfolding, and sometimes, you also encounter souls that did not continue to the next stage, taking you on a very different kind of journey.

A World Built on Growth

This world was designed for beings who never stop growing and evolving. Each person has their own developmental path; the only requirement is to keep moving forward. To become, each day, a little more complete than the day before. The journey ends only when we stop progressing.

An embryo is called “ubar” in Hebrew because its essence is transition — moving between stages, between worlds, from potential into reality. Perhaps that is why it is easier for us to accept its long, hidden process of development. We understand that we don’t really know what is happening inside, but we trust that something remarkable is taking shape. A slow process of maturation that cannot be rushed or skipped.

Why Patience Comes Naturally — At First

Even after birth, it is easier for us, mentally, to remember that a baby is not yet fully developed. We naturally adjust our expectations to what their small, dependent body is capable of. We don’t expect a newborn to stand up and walk; we understand that many developmental milestones must come first.

And then, our children grow.

Suddenly, something in our patience for the process disappears. We see a child who looks complete — someone who can take care of themselves, build relationships, function outside the home, and we begin to expect that their behavior should match that appearance. That they should know how to manage situations, control impulses, behave appropriately, and fully internalize our values.

When that doesn’t happen, it unsettles us, worries us, and frustrates us.

The Hidden Development Within

In truth, our children are still in an ongoing process of development — one that, in some areas, only truly begins around ages six or seven. We see a child, but in many ways, they are still like an embryo. Parts of their brain are only just beginning their development. Outwardly, she may be six years old, but internally, she may be at “week six.”

Unlike the rapid and visible physical growth of early childhood, this inner maturation is hidden from view. It often expresses itself through challenging behavior, emotional outbursts, frustration, and thoughts like, “What’s wrong with him?” or “I must be failing as a mother.”

In those moments (after, of course, ruling out any issues that require intervention), remind yourself: he is still developing. He is constantly moving, quietly, and invisibly, toward his next stage. Step by step, he is maturing. Behind the scenes, a process of learning and refinement is always taking place. His behavior reflects a brain that is still forming, still needing time before its fruits can be seen.

Becoming the “Womb” They Still Need

We call them “children” because of the single moment of their birth. However, that word doesn’t fully capture the long process of becoming that continues for many years afterward. Perhaps we should use the word “child” as a reminder that they are still in the midst of being born.

It is a long, extended birth canal, and what they need most right now is a womb: a mother who continues to believe in their inner growth, who trusts that something meaningful is developing within them, who patiently holds space for this unfinished stage, and who keeps offering warmth and love from the outside — even when it feels like they are pushing hard from within.