The Big Parenting Mistake That Pushes Children Away from Torah

Rabbi Yechiel Yaakovson, a well-known educator and author of Al Techata’u BaYeled, shares a powerful insight in a lecture on education and preventing youth from drifting away. He points to a critical mistake many parents make when raising children in Torah and mitzvot, and to the key element that must be emphasized instead.

“The most serious issue in our generation,” he explains, “is that children are growing up with a distorted picture of the world. They absorb the message that there are two ways to live: a life of Torah and a secular life. The religious path is seen as belonging to the World to Come, a life of sacrifice, hardship, and deprivation now, with reward later. The secular path, on the other hand, appears to belong to this world, full of comfort and pleasure, even if there may be a price to pay in the end. That perception is a disaster.”

He continues, “Today, young people are not leaving Torah because of ideology. It is not about philosophical doubts or crises of faith. The challenge is different. The world around them presents secular life as enjoyable and attractive. From the outside, it looks appealing, filled with success, pleasure, and ease.”

The Illusion and the Reality

What is often hidden, however, are the deeper struggles that can exist beneath the surface. Modern Western culture, with its permissiveness and constant pressure, can bring with it significant challenges: emotional distress, anxiety, fragile relationships, weakened family structures, and a culture that encourages constant comparison and low self-worth.

Yet outwardly, none of this is visible. What children see is a polished image of happiness and freedom, while a life of Torah is sometimes presented, even unintentionally, as restrictive and lacking joy.

“Do you understand the problem?” Rabbi Yaakovson asks. “If we do not teach our children to experience joy in serving Hashem, what chance do they have? It is like sending them into a battle without a weapon. If they do not taste the sweetness of Torah, how will they hold on to it?”

“If This Is Torah, I Don’t Want It”

The message children receive is shaped not only by what parents say, but by what they show.

If a child sees a parent struggling through mitzvot with visible difficulty, expressing how hard it is to pray or to observe certain commandments, even if done with dedication, the child may internalize a very different message.

He may think to himself, “If this is what Torah looks like, I don’t want it.”

Not out of rebellion, but out of a simple desire for a calm and enjoyable life.

Rabbi Yaakovson explains that when Torah is presented primarily as sacrifice, children may feel that it demands a level of self-denial they are not willing to accept. But when they see genuine joy, warmth, and satisfaction in their home, their perception changes completely.

The Power of Joy

A child who grows up in an environment where serving Hashem is connected to happiness, meaning, and inner fulfillment begins to associate Torah with something positive and life-giving.

That joy must be felt, not just spoken about.

It can come through simple experiences: warmth around the Shabbat table, moments of celebration, encouragement, praise, and a sense of pride in being part of something meaningful. It is conveyed through tone, atmosphere, and personal example far more than through lectures.

“You do not educate for Torah and mitzvot through pressure,” Rabbi Yaakovson emphasizes. “You do it through sweetness, through joy, through creating a positive experience.”

A Lasting Impact

Without giving children the ability to feel enjoyment and connection in their spiritual lives, they are left without the tools they need to stay strong. But when they experience Torah as something that enriches their lives, something that brings them calm, purpose, and happiness, they are far more likely to carry it with them.

In the end, what children absorb is not only what we teach them, but how we live it.

And that may be the most powerful lesson of all.