Why Parents Avoid Talking to Kids About Safety — and Why It Matters

We hear about harm to children too often. Serious, widely publicized cases shock us deeply and make us more anxious about our own children’s safety. We may feel anger toward the education system for not adequately preparing children — or preparing them at all, for such risks, and we feel a strong urge to talk about it at home.

In practice, though, many of us don’t know how to act or what exactly to say. The complexity is overwhelming. And then, once the emotional intensity fades, we return to the routine of daily life and push the issue aside, until the question resurfaces: who among us truly knows how to speak with children about personal safety?

In this article, I will outline several reasons why we tend to avoid this conversation.

“Why Wake a Sleeping Bear?”

This is a question I often hear from parents, and even from teachers. Maybe we are overreacting. Why introduce fear or troubling ideas into a child’s world?

It’s a valid question. But before answering it, let’s look at some common myths (based on data from the Association of Rape Crisis Centers, 2021), and you can decide how to approach the issue.

Common Myths About Child Safety

Myth #1: “I always tell my children not to talk to strangers or accept candy from anyone.”
That’s important, but it doesn’t address most real risks. Statistics show that about 29.7% of abuse cases occur within the family, and in over 85% of cases, the perpetrator is someone the child knows: a relative, friend, acquaintance, or authority figure. Do children know how to protect themselves in those situations?

Myth #2: “I’m very protective of my daughters. They never sleep away from home.”
The statistics regarding harm to women are indeed alarming — one in three women experiences some form of abuse in her lifetime. But up to age 12, boys and girls are affected at nearly equal rates. One in five children experiences abuse, including boys. We often focus on protecting girls, but who is watching over the boys?

Myth #3: “My children only play nearby in the neighborhood, near the synagogue, or at organized activities.”
We tend to assume that familiar environments are safe. In reality, they are often the most vulnerable. About 82% of abuse cases involving children occur in the home or within educational settings, where the child spends regular time and trusts the people around them.

Myth #4: “My children are open with me. If something happens, I’ll know.”
This is an important point. Data shows that 41% of boys who experienced abuse did not seek help until ten years later or more. In other words, there is a strong chance a child will not tell anyone — not even their parents.

Why Children Don’t Speak Up

Could our children really keep such a painful secret? Unfortunately, yes, and there are reasons for that.

Contrary to what many assume, abuse of children often does not begin with force. It usually develops within an existing relationship, where the adult exploits their authority and the child’s natural tendency to trust and please adults.

The child experiences deep confusion. On one hand, there may be a certain sense of closeness or even positive feeling; on the other, there is an internal sense that something is wrong. The child may not know how to judge the situation: Is this allowed? Is it not? Everyone trusts this person — who would believe me?

This confusion often leads to fear, shame, and guilt:
“Maybe I misunderstood.”
“Maybe it’s my fault.”
“Maybe I caused this.”

When you read this, what do you feel? Fear? Anxiety? Discomfort? Notice your own reactions. Do you want to stop reading (avoidance)? Do you feel it’s exaggerated (denial)? Does it seem too extreme (distancing)?

The First Step: Facing Our Own Avoidance

From my work with adolescents who have experienced harm, and from leading safety workshops for parents and schools, I’ve learned something important: it’s not enough to give parents tools. That comes later.

The first step is understanding why we have avoided this topic until now, how we relate to it, and what fears or defenses are preventing us from addressing it openly. Otherwise, we may learn the tools, but lack the emotional capacity to use them effectively with our children.

When we avoid a subject out of fear, our children sense it. Without a word, they learn that certain topics are off-limits and shameful or forbidden to discuss. If that is the message, how can we expect them to speak up if something happens?

In the next article, we will move to practical tools and address the central challenge parents face: how to speak with children about such a sensitive topic, without harming their innocence, while still giving them the awareness and protection they need.