Stop Fixing Others: The Real Work of Self-Reflection Before the High Holidays

In just a few days, we will arrive at Rosh Hashanah. Soon after comes Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year. These are days of deep and honest self reflection.

It is easy to write about self examination. It is far more difficult to live it.

You find yourself facing a challenge. Something in your relationship with your married child feels stuck. He rarely comes to visit, leaving you wondering whether you have become irrelevant now that he has built his own home. She does not offer help, she simply arrives, takes what she needs, perhaps some food or baked goods, says a brief thank you, and leaves. You are left behind with a feeling of being taken for granted.

And the thoughts begin. They come uninvited, unsettling and frustrating.

As one mother once expressed, “Where is the respect for parents that he was taught? Where is the sensitivity to others that we worked so hard to instill? Where is the basic sense of gratitude every person should have?”

When Reflection Turns Outward

And so begins a process of reflection. But not necessarily in the right direction.

Instead of examining herself, the mother begins to examine her child. She evaluates his behavior, identifies where he falls short, and lists what he needs to improve. And of course, she will find flaws. No one is perfect, and there is always room for improvement.

In doing so, she focuses on the responsibilities that belong to him.

But this kind of focus leads to a difficult place. A place of criticism, of frustration, of distance. A place that often results in lecturing, anger, and emotional withdrawal.

And perhaps most importantly, it becomes a way of avoiding the real work.

The Comfort of Blame

There is a certain comfort in focusing on what the other person needs to change. It gives us a sense of clarity and even justification.

But the greatest benefit of this approach is also its greatest danger. It exempts us from looking inward. It frees us from asking what we ourselves need to change, and from doing the work that real change requires.

After all, if the other person would simply behave as expected, everything would fall into place. We would not need to adjust anything in ourselves. Life would return to balance without effort on our part.

But that is not what is being asked of us.

Turning Inward

Especially during this time of year, the question is not what others should do, but what is expected of us.

We are called to examine our own responsibilities, to reflect on the areas where we are expected to grow. This includes how we relate to others, how we communicate, and what we demand from those closest to us, even when those demands are framed as rightful expectations.

Instead of trying to fix the world around us, we are asked to begin by refining ourselves.

A Different Kind of Change

This shift in perspective does not ignore the behavior of others. Rather, it changes where we place our energy.

When each person focuses on their own growth and on their own responsibilities, relationships naturally begin to change. When we become more thoughtful, more patient, and more aware, it influences those around us in ways that criticism never could.

The world is not repaired by pointing outward. It is repaired when each individual takes responsibility for their own inner work.

Where It Begins

If during your self reflection, you notice a desire to correct others, to fix what is not working around you, that awareness itself is valuable.

But the next step is essential. Begin with yourself.

When you do, you may find that change does not remain confined to you. It begins to ripple outward, shaping the relationships around you in ways that are deeper, quieter, and far more lasting.