We Became More Observant, But Our Teen Isn’t On Board: What Now?

“We’ve been married for 18 years and have four children. Recently, we’ve begun growing more observant together, and it feels like we spent our best years on the wrong path. But our oldest, who is 16, is resisting the change. What should we do?”

This question reflects a deeply emotional place. When parents experience meaningful personal growth, it is natural to want their children to come along. The desire to share what now feels true and right can be very strong, especially when it comes from a place of sincerity and commitment.

At the same time, even parents who raised their children with strong Jewish values sometimes face pain when a child moves in a different direction. This tension is not unusual, and it calls for clarity and patience.

What Is in Your Control

One of the most helpful steps in situations like this is learning to separate between what is within your control and what is not.

Parents naturally want to influence their children’s choices, but there are limits to that influence. When we try to control what ultimately belongs to someone else, we can become stuck, investing emotional energy in a place where we have no real power to create change.

It is not easy to accept this, but there is strength in aligning with reality. There comes a point where a parent can say, “I have done my part,” and recognize that the rest depends on the child’s own journey.

From Forcing to Guiding

The question is not only what you should do, but what you are truly able to do.

A parent’s role is to educate, not to force. Education means showing a direction, offering guidance, and living in a way that reflects your values. It does not mean arguing or trying to push a child into a place they are not ready to enter.

Children learn most deeply not from what we say, but from how we live. The way we act, the choices we make, and what we prioritize all send powerful messages. These quiet lessons shape a child over time, often more than direct instruction.

The Gift Within Your Change

It may feel like your new path highlights what you missed in the past, but in reality, your growth adds something powerful to your parenting.

Your child is witnessing flexibility, the courage to change, and the honesty to reassess life choices. These are not small lessons. They show that a person can grow, shift, and pursue truth, even after many years.

These values are deeply meaningful, and your child has already absorbed them, simply by growing up in your home.

Leading with Trust and Patience

Your teenager is no longer a small child. He is developing his own identity, and that process often includes questioning and resistance.

What he needs most right now is not pressure, but connection. Welcoming him as he is, with patience and respect, allows him the space to process and eventually engage in his own way.

Trust that the foundation you built over the years is still there. Even if it is not visible right now, it continues to shape him.

Take a step back, take a deep breath, and allow the process to unfold. With time, and with Hashem’s help, you may yet see him express the very values he absorbed at home.

Noa Harel is a parent coach and a couples and personal counselor in the Shefer approach.