Afraid of Getting Married? You’re Not Alone

Since I began writing about my experiences with dating, I’ve received dozens of emails, including many from men. Recently, one message stood out. A reader asked me, very directly, to speak to single men as well and address something that often goes unspoken: “Please tell the women who read your columns that we men are also afraid of getting married.”

His honesty opened the door to something deeper. As he shared his fears, I realized they were not so different from what many women experience. It was the same fear, just wearing a different face.

The Fear No One Talks About

“I’m afraid of taking responsibility for a whole family,” he wrote. “How am I supposed to carry that weight, with the financial pressures and the cost of living today?” He described himself as someone with a stable career and a decent income, yet these fears still overshadowed his desire for marriage. Even the loneliness he sometimes felt was not enough to overcome them.

“As a believing person, I know that Hashem provides and blesses a person when they get married,” he continued, “but these thoughts still take over. They confuse me.” On one hand, he continues to date and do what he feels he should, but on the other, the fear paralyzes him and even leads him to think that staying single might be easier.

When Thoughts Take Over

It is written, “It is not good for man to be alone,” so how do we end up convincing ourselves otherwise? “What’s wrong with being single?” he asked. “I have a good life, a job, a home, friends. Why should I take on the burden of responsibility? Why leave my comfort zone?”

His question stayed with me for days, not because it was unusual, but because it was so familiar. How many people are quietly living this exact inner dialogue, allowing fear to shape their decisions and slowly pull them away from something meaningful? And it is not only men. How many women step away from potential relationships for the same reasons, telling themselves it won’t work, they won’t manage, it’s too much?

Choosing Faith Over Fear

At some point, we have to pause and ask ourselves what we are really gaining from these thoughts. What do we gain from “I can’t”? Why not choose “I can”? If we believe that Hashem guides and provides, then why do we allow fear to create distance where there could be closeness? Why introduce doubt where trust is meant to grow?

This does not mean ignoring reality or silencing every concern, but it does mean learning to guide our thoughts instead of being led by them. Not every fear deserves to take center stage, and not every thought reflects truth.

Fear Can Push You Forward

Fear itself is not the problem. In fact, it often serves a purpose. It is the starting point, the first step that gets us moving. But just as a car cannot stay in first gear, we cannot remain there either. At some point, we have to shift forward.

In many areas of life, we already do this. We move past discomfort to build careers, friendships, and meaningful experiences. The same applies here. Fear can either hold us back or push us forward, depending on whether we let it stop us or use it as a signal to grow.

Don’t Let Fear Decide Your Life

At the same time, it is worth asking whether this fear is pointing to something deeper. Perhaps there are unanswered questions about marriage, or experiences that shaped how we see it. Perhaps there is a sense of not being ready yet. These are important things to explore, but they are not reasons to stand still indefinitely.

This is the message, both to myself and to anyone navigating the dating world. It is okay to feel afraid, but fear should not be the one making decisions. We cannot allow it to freeze us at the edge of something meaningful, convincing us that staying where we are is safer.

Because in the end, the life we want is not built by avoiding fear, but by moving forward despite it, with clarity, with effort, and with trust that we are not carrying it alone.