When “Perfect” Gets in the Way: A Lesson in Letting Go

“You don’t understand how many dates I’ve been on,” Leah said. “And I feel like no one is right for me.”

“Why?” I asked. “Can you give me an example of someone who seemed suitable, but it still didn’t work out?”

“I went out with Avner,” she replied. “We really aligned. We shared the same vision for a home, materially, spiritually, and in how we’d raise children. He also comes from a good, supportive, financially stable family. On paper, any matchmaker would say it’s a perfect match.”

“So what went wrong?” I asked.

Leah hesitated. “He’s smart and successful, but I felt something was missing. I’m looking for sensitivity, for gentleness, someone who can really see me. I couldn’t feel at peace moving forward.”

The Filter We Don’t Notice

“You see,” I began, “the partner a person is meant to meet comes from Above. But sometimes, we unknowingly block that connection through the way we perceive things.”

Leah looked puzzled. “What do you mean?”

“Every person has an inner system of discernment,” I explained. “It’s a healthy and necessary filter. Just like when you decide to eat well, you choose what nourishes you and leave out what doesn’t. The same applies in dating. You need clarity about what fits you and what doesn’t.”

She nodded. “So what’s the problem?”

“The problem,” I said gently, “is when, on top of that healthy filter, we add another layer, an imagined one.”

The Imaginary Picture

Leah leaned in. “And that’s not a good thing?”

“It can be limiting,” I said. “You have a real and deep desire to build a home. That desire draws opportunities into your life. But when you restrict those opportunities to match a very specific image in your mind, you narrow what you’re able to receive.”

“In other words,” she said slowly, “I’m only open to something that looks exactly like what I imagined.”

“Exactly. And the challenge is that this image isn’t always connected to your deeper truth.”

Losing the Inner Compass

“What do you mean by ‘deeper truth’?” she asked.

“In deeper terms, it’s what we call the keter, the inner compass of the soul. It’s where your true desires, your purpose, and your direction come from.”

“And I’ve lost that?” she asked quietly.

“Not lost,” I reassured her. “But when we disconnect from it, we start relying on imagined expectations instead. And those expectations can block what’s actually right for us.”

“So by being too specific, I might be pushing away what’s meant for me?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said gently. “Because the person who perfectly matches an imagined picture often doesn’t exist in reality.”

It’s Bigger Than Dating

Leah’s eyes filled with tears. “I feel like this isn’t just about relationships. It’s my whole life.”

“You’re right,” I said. “This pattern can show up everywhere, in career choices, in where we live, in how we make decisions. When we cling to a fixed image, reality constantly feels like a disappointment.”

“So what do I do?” she asked.

Letting Go, Gaining Clarity

“You begin by letting go of the need for everything to match your picture exactly,” I said. “And instead, you reconnect to your inner compass.”

“That sounds hard,” she admitted.

“It is,” I said. “But it’s also freeing. Because it means trusting that what Hashem brings into your life is not random. It’s precise, even if it doesn’t look the way you expected.”

A Different Kind of Trust

“This is really about building faith,” I continued. “When your inner strength is connected to that deeper place, your natural filter still works, but it works in a healthier way. It doesn’t block what’s good. It helps you receive it.”

Leah sat quietly for a moment.

“And that,” I said softly, “is what allows a person to build something real. Not perfect, but meaningful, deep, and lasting.”