Raising Resilient Kids: Parenting Mistakes That Undermine Confidence

Research on emotional resilience shows that controlled exposure to challenges is a critical component of healthy child development. Consider for example, a common situation I recently witnessed: a child was playing with a friend at the playground and was hurt by something the friend said.

Often, a parent’s immediate reaction is to call the other parent or step in physically to resolve the issue. From a psychological perspective however, this can be a missed opportunity for the child to learn conflict resolution. These well-meaning actions — sometimes called “helicopter parenting” or “snowplow parenting” aim to clear the path and spare the child from pain, but in reality, they may prevent the child from developing the tools needed to cope independently in the future.

Psychologist Donald Winnicott coined the term “good enough parent” to remind us that children do not need perfect parenting that removes every obstacle. Rather, they need “optimal frustration” — that healthy friction with reality that builds character and helps a child discover their own inner strength.

So where do we go wrong, even with love and good intentions? Following are some of the most common mistakes — and how to turn them into opportunities for growth.

1. When Praise Stops Learning

We want our children to feel confident, so we often offer praise like “Great job!” or “You’re amazing!” for even simple actions. The intention is to build self-esteem, but the result can be the opposite: the child becomes dependent on external validation. When they encounter a challenge where they are not immediately “amazing,” they may give up to avoid losing that identity.

A more effective approach is to praise effort, not results. Instead of saying, “You’re the best,” try: “I saw how hard you worked on that puzzle, even though it was challenging.”

2. Removing Every Obstacle

As parents, it is hard to watch our child struggle, feel hurt, or fail. So we step in to resolve conflicts or even do things for them. While the intention is to protect them, the child may fail to learn how to solve problems independently and may develop “learned helplessness,” believing they cannot manage without us.

The healthier approach is to support, not replace. Allow children to face manageable challenges and help them process their emotions instead of trying to erase them.

3. Trying to Be the Child’s Best Friend

Many parents strive for a completely equal, democratic relationship, hoping to build honesty and trust. However, this can cause children to lose their anchor — the authoritative figure who provides boundaries and a sense of security.

Without clear structure, the world can feel overwhelming and unsafe to a child. The goal is to maintain warmth and closeness, while still being a parent who can say “no” when needed, with loving authority.

4. Fear of Negative Emotions

We often ask, “Did you have fun?” and try to fix every moment of sadness or boredom, because we want our children to be happy. But when we dismiss negative emotions, children learn to avoid them rather than process them.

Instead of trying to distract a crying child, allow space for the full range of emotions. For example: “I see that you’re sad. It really is disappointing when the game ends. I’m here with you.”

Let Go of Perfection

Children do not need parents who never make mistakes. They need human parents who allow them to experience life itself.

In the end, it is specifically through our imperfections that children learn how to handle disappointment, resolve conflict, and build inner strength. The key is awareness — the ability to pause before rushing in to “rescue” them, and to recognize whether we are acting from our own anxiety or their true needs.

The goal is not to raise a child who never falls, but a child who is strong and confident enough to get back up every time they do.